Monday 31 March 2008

Painting my Final Frontier?


Its ten to one and sleep is a million miles away. Still got three weeks to go before I go to the pain clinic. I have to get some help with this none stop pain, and I need to sleep! I know I said I wasn't going to mention my lack of sleep, but that and the pain is getting me down.
I have been here before not really knowing whats in front of me health and energy wise. I think about my studio and wonder is it worth keeping on? Am I ever going to be able to sustain any length of time practicing my art? If I give up my studio will I be giving up on who I am? Who would I be? And where on earth would I put all the stuff in my studio any way. I have sculptures in there that are over five feet tall and one nearer nine foot plus countless paintings.
It would make life less complicating though, I wouldn't have to worry about getting to my studio. It would be nice not to worry about studio fees and the heating, will it ever get fixed. Not to think about finding some where nearer home or putting some kind of shed in the garden. I really don't want a shed in the garden, the garden just not big enough for the size of shed I need.
Could I be happy not making art? Should I give it up for a while and see how it goes?Or just wait and see? A answer may be just around the corner.
Andy I know will help me with these questions, but for now I need time to think. Is this my final frontier?

Saturday 29 March 2008

walking, holding hands and feeding the soul


Sat watching coast (a TV program about the coast of the British Isles)with Andy tonight. It made us quite sad, not the program its self but how much we used to enjoy and value our long walks in the country and around the coast. Through my illness we not done much walking in the last ten- fifteen years. Over the last three years or so we haven't done any. I keep fooling myself into thinking may be in a few weeks when I'm feeling stronger, we will. I really know there's little chance of me ever walking very far. The top of the garden is as far as I can manage at the moment and that tires me!
Its great to sit the night before going out for a good long walk, looking at maps, drinks in hand, deciding where to go. Next morning early rug sack packed with water profs, packed lunch and other essentials. You arrive at your chosen spot energised and full of anticipation, boots on and off you go. I love walking in the Peak District best of all we can get there within a hour at most. The country side fills your soul with it beauty, its so ore inspiring. There's so much to see and every season brings its own glory.
This as made me think of years ago. We were a part of a group of people interested in natural history and we all meet in the Peak District in early March. The program for the day was to make a line across a mapped out area and walk across the Moors counting Hears. It had been snowing for a few days and the moors where covered in a thick blanket of snow. In some places it was as high as the styles that when over the stone walls around five feet deep! This didn't stop us, hare counting we came out for and hare counting we were going to do. A full day spent counting the elusive mountain hare, total count one! Wet very cold but happy we had a brilliant day despite only finding one hare. Some of our best memories have been on winter walks on the Moors.

Wednesday 26 March 2008

Sleeping Babies


Jane came today with our two grandchildren Finlay just two and Amber ten weeks.
It really hurts that I can't play properly with Finlay he came to show me his cars and gives me hugs and kisses which is wonderful. But I am feeling selfish I want to get on the floor and play cars, I'd like to take him out to the pond and look for frogs sometimes as well as Andy. Go for a walk to see the horses, dig in the garden with him and look for bugs, just do something besides looking at what he's got to show me, Its just not enough!
I know I'm very slowly getting stronger, and perhaps in a few weeks will be able to do more, but today I'm feeling sorry for my self. I shouldn't it was great seeing them all, especially holding Amber. Amber such a happy little thing, she laughs just like her brother, so big it looks like their faces could slit in half, totally wonderful.
Shes at the stage where she looks at you when you talk to her, laughs and makes the most adorable baby coos and babble noises, I bet she tells a wonderful story if only we knew of what.
I held amber until she fell asleep. What joy there is in a sleeping baby, just watching their little faces so at peace, so trusting. I could cuddle her for hours and just watch her sleep. I love them so much I think sometimes my heart might bust.
It was the same when Vivyan, Jane and Ruth were little they looked just like angels while asleep anyway. How time flies!

Tuesday 25 March 2008

29 frogs!


Pond News Andy cleaned out the pond yesterday. The weather forecast was good cool but sunny. Wrapped up warm I took up position, sat in my directors chair or interfering chair some might say. bucket after bucket of water was placed in holding tubs. Carefully separating the wild life into the ready and waiting tubs. As Andy pulled out Colin the Grass Carp what a beauty around 9" long, he put him in the holding tub with some weed to keep him carm and then he seemed to disappear. how can a 9" fish disappear in a tub about one and a half square feet, he must have found his elven cloak!
We have 7 Rudd come Perch all around 5" long, 1 very fat gold fish and to many sticklebacks to many to count obviously breeding well. We knew there were a few frogs in the pond may be six at the most so we thought. Wrong as Andy got to the pond bottom hiding from detection in the mud were 29 fogies we couldn't believe it. We also couldn't believe how well every thing was doing in such a small pond only around 150 gallon in size. Before Andy put the water back in the pond we decided we should put the seven Rudd/Perch back from were we originally got them from, it would be best for them. When almost done pond half full(can't fill up with to much tap water it would harm the fish) We put the seven fish back in the pond we would miss looking for them plus they've done well up to now, we will asses them next time. All that needs doing now is to replace some of the old water plants and add more water over the next week or two.

Sunday 23 March 2008

Sunday Roast and my Inner Beast

It's snowing big fat fluffy flakes, it might even cover the ground with a decent amount of snow. I love been tucked up in a warm house looking at the snow dancing or in this case a heavy cascade falling to the ground.
I also love the smell of a full Sunday roast with all the trimmings. What a wonderful day I have both.
Because I'm still weak Andy's cooking the roast, this is something we usually share.
Today its roast lamb, I'm laid on the bed and the smells from the kitchen are incredible. My stomach is growling in anticipation, my mouths watering and I'm starting to get impatient, the inner beast is calling "COME ON WHERES MY DINNER"!
Yum Yum it was gorgeous. What a man. The lamb was cooked to perfection, the Yorkshire puds where enormous, roast spuds where just right and topped off with well cooked veg and lamb gravy thick and flavorsome. I have to say it again what a man! I'm feeling a little guilty though laid here on the bed fed and contented, stuffing my face with chocs, while my loves washing the pots. Its not rite, its not rite at all we should get a dish washer!

Thursday 20 March 2008

Lady Beard (Bearded Ladies)


My nephew and his two little ones called to day. I decided to make an effort despite my pain and lack of energy. After washing, teeth cleaning and getting dressed I was exhausted. But there's one more thing I had to do the "Lady Beard" I only have a few hairs but good ones if you know what I mean. While ridding my self of the unwanted growth it made me think about my Auntie Glad. She had a few long wayward beard hairs. I loved her and when I was small would go for a hugs and later kiss her good bye as we left, on these occasions I was transfixed on her chin.
Now at fifty two it made me think I don't want to be remembered as Aunt Lynda with the beard!
When I was a child circuses and fares sometimes had a freak shows! Thank who ever we don't any more. In these so called shows they nearly always had a woman with a beard. I not knowing any different thought it amazing that a 'Lady' could grow a full beard. I suppose in the fifties/sixties most women kept face hair a secret (as do some women today), they must have as no woman openly said I have a problem with a five a clock shadow! or else to be seen as a freak themselves. How stupid most middle aged women have facial hair they would be a freak if they didn't. So come on woman don't be ashamed any more just deal with the hair if it bothers you. Don't think you freak growing chin hair most women do. And I've talked to a lot who have the same problem and was relived that it wasn't just them.

Monday 17 March 2008

A load of old Sticklebacks

Just had a call from Ruth shes back in England. She said Prague was expensive but still enjoyed it but probably not go back for an holiday. So happy shes back on old blighty.

Pond news. We have had three more lots of frog spawn, the randy little fogies that's six lots in total! Andy's got the job of cleaning the pond out this week that should be fun! hope we've got enough tubs to collect water and pond life. I'm looking forward to seeing Colin the Carp up close, we have a large fish tank for that. While hes emptying the pond hes got to look out for around 7 Minos we put in the pond four years ago. The Minos around 1/2" long were collected from a local stream, but there were not what they seemed. O no, not at all, there now 5" long and meaty, we are pretty sure they're Rudd, so we need to return them to the stream, be for they eat all the frog spawn. We have umpteen sticklebacks they will be a challenge to catch. Nifty little blighters are sticklebacks, can't wait to observe the fun. Such an exciting life I lead.

Sunday 16 March 2008

Darkness


I'm scared and in a lot of pain. Back of my head and neck hurts.
Black thoughts surround me. only light in my darkness is my husband our children and grandchildren.

Friday 14 March 2008

Hobby Horse


I'm not going to harp on any more about my lack of sleep, as you my have guest still having problems. I will report though when I do, In big capital letters, full fanfare and a ticker tape parade.

When out yesterday to the doctors didn't realise how weak I still am. Walked about 15 yards from the car to the surgery and my legs were like jelly. But worth it, the Doctor said " the sensation of wet feet you are getting is probably a trapped nerve from the Arnold Chiari", good at least I know what causing it. Plus I have finally got a date for a pain clinic, that's great news might sort out which pains are coming from Arnold Chiari and which from Fibromyalgia, and hopefully treat it.

Can't wait, our grandchildren Finlay and Amber are coming with middle daughter Jane, happy, happy. I know it takes a lot out of me when I have visitors but it very much worth it. My Mum has bought Finlay a Hobby Horse for Easter because he's quite rightly not allowed much chocolate and and Great Gran doesn't know how to buy small eggs. Any way, Finlay getting his present early, good news for my walking stick hes been riding.

Ruth the youngest has gone to Prague with her friend for four days. I hate it when the girls are out of the country. I should be used to it all three are well traveled.

Wednesday 12 March 2008

Cat Flap 1 Space Cadet 0

Its around 1:30am not got to sleep yet, I keep trying but I hurt to much, even meditation not helping.
Feeling a little lonely sick of spending my nights alone. After been in the same bed with Andy for so many wonderful years it not right to be separate, I need him next to me.
My eyes are very heavy I think I'll try once more.
4am its no good, don't know what to do with my self I think its hot water bottle time. Yes a little better try again.
5:15am take some more pain killers. Have a game of Mahjong while they kick in.
6:30am I'll wait until 7am and get in with Andy. Still couldn't sleep but being close to my love was very nice.

'Cat flaps' Our two cats Max 12 and Leah 10 are infuriating when it come to common cat sense. They've had a cat flap for years and took to it very quickly. But now has come, we had to change from the open to all kinda cat flap after a young tom started to come in and spay his sent all over. The house stunk!
'OK' we will replace it with one that only opens if the cat has a collar fitted with a special magnet. Andy quickly installed the cat flap with little or no problem fantastic. There was one slight problem, Max the 'space cadet' is probably the most stupid cat on the planet, you can hear the white noise in his head as he looks out into space. Most cats go through a cat flap head first which is good as the cats collar releases the cat flap door. Not Max he taps the cat flap door with his foot and keeps on tapping trying to get the door to open result lots of loud continuous taps until we let him in. Bless him!

Tuesday 11 March 2008

My Grass-carp has lost his Elven Cloak


A bad start getting to sleep, Ill never ever get a nights sleep again!
That was what I had seen for my self. 'Fanfare plays' Its now 11 am I've slept! happy, happy, joy put out the flags. Only a few interruptions to a long nights sleep, over ten hours, and that means over ten hours without pain relief how good is that! This could be the start of something good.

Pond news. last night after dark, fourteen mail frogs singing in the pond all looking for a girl frog to love. This morning all in hiding, where do they go in the day? do they move to some sleazy frog hotel to get some sleep?
A couple a days ago Andy noticed the grass carp in the pond, I bought it three years ago to get rid of some of the weeds in the pond. I put it in and immediately it disappeared presumed dead. He is at least 8"-9" long and very beefy, not bad to say he was a max 3" when introduced. (I wonder what they taste like, bad girl naughty, naughty).
Could it have had an Elvin 'Carp' Cloak to hide under, so when we approached, it vanished? If he had one he's lost it. As I'm getting quite attached to the carp I think I should name him, Colin sounds good to me. yes Colin the Carp a good name.

Monday 10 March 2008

From Nightmares to Honeymoons

I had little sleep until 4am because of pain and three nightmares. Andy was feeling a bit off colour as well. He came into see if I was ok and knelt on the bed to talk in doing so broke one off the slats, funny enough the bed feels more comfy since.

Pond news. the frogs have started to get it down, and the first lot of spawn is nestled in the weeds. I love frogs their great!

Its a very gray and windy day lots of damage to property and the coast line in the south. It made me think of our honey moon 34 years ago this August.
We were on the Norfolk Broads in a boat during a week long rage of bad weather. there were torrential rain and gale force winds. It was the week Ted Heaths boat sank can't remember the name of the vessel.
We arrived read to embrace the experience, neither of us had been on a boat nether mind steer one! That was fun. We had our groceries ordered on put on the boat for our arrival, good forward planing we thought one problem no matches, we don't smoke why would we need them? We set off into the middle of nowhere.
How do you get the fridge to work the same way you put the kettle on, the shower and the cooker by lighting the gas. One problem no matches o flipping heck! or words to that effect. After a few hours of navigating the broads in hellish weather for hours getting colder and hungry, we finally found a little shop. Great now how do you stop the bloody thing and who's going to jump off to tie it up. It would be me, I jumped skidded and landed on my knees, so far so good. slurped through the mud and rain to the shop around 70 yards up the side of the river to buy matches. Very wet and soggy bought said matches only to get close to the boat Andy looking loveing on, to slip slide and end up face down in very smelly mud and with the preshas matches in my hand. Splash my hand and half of me ended in the water from the swollen river, while swans pecked hard at my hand looking for food. Forgot to mention the shop was closing when I got there. Now smelly, wet and tied there were nothing else to do but have a tantrum I wanted to "go home! I hate it! I'm cold wet and smelly!" After a cold wash, clean cloths and a cuddle I/we saw the funny side, Tucked up in bed with the boat banging against the moorings as the wind and rain did its worst we tried to sleep.
Next day looking out over the broads it look like a battle had been fort. Half sunk boats clothes floating on the water, we'd been lucky. Must say the swans and ducks looked happy though.
34 years on and my feet still feel wet, must talk to the Neurologist about that.

Sunday 9 March 2008

Back in the spare room

Its 2:30am just got out of bed where Andy's is sleeping so peacefully, I had laid listening to his gentle breathing and thinking how much I love him.
But now I'm reluctantly back in the spare room tucked up in bed. I have been sleeping in here for the last two months so not to disturb him, no good us both having a bad nights sleep.
My legs are giving me some stick, it like having cow bites and cramps in your muscles. But its my ankles that are bothering me most they feel quite swollen and painful yet don't look it.
Two hours to wait before I can have more pain killers. If I don't get a good night sleep soon I think I'll go crazy!

Saturday 8 March 2008

On a emotional roller coaster

Slept better last night had four hours in a row, who know it may be eight tonight!

It's my grandson's Finlay's birthday to day he's two. Don't time fly, Andy is off to see him soon and to play with him and his seven week old sister Amber, while Jane and Andy (Andy is our son-in-law Jane's husband (I will call him Andy A so not to confuse the two) gets Finley's party ready. On the way Andy's picking up a slide for him, he loves them, wish I was well enough to go and see his face when he unwraps it. Oh well there's always next year. Like all grandparents I love them so much I feel I could burst.

Feeling full of mixed emotions this morning. Last night dream is bothering me, a lot. It wasn't a bad dream but it wasn't good ether. It featured Linda my best friend while growing up and until her early death of a heart attack eight years ago, she was only 45. Linda had a wonderful disposition, she always was pleased to see you and had a laugh in her voice all the time you never saw her sad even if she was. She died in hospital laughing of course.

The dream, was set on a wonderful sunny day on top of a hill. I had been running I felt light full of energy and no pain, and covered in a healthy sweat (unusual as I don't sweat just over heat). I stopped to take in the beautiful scenery around me. There close to where I stopped was a giant oak tree in full splendor. Under it sat my friend Linda. She had packed lunch, containing fresh bread, butter, brie, and olives (not at all what she would have packed but it is my dream). We sat there hugging and saying how much we had missed each other and hope to talk again soon.
Then I woke what did she mean! Don't think I should dwell on this for to long.
Did enjoy the feeling of running though.

There's a sparrow hawk in the tree! looking down on something. the wind is blowing hard making the branch its on sway, it head is transfixed on something may be a mouse in Karen's garden? It didn't stay long probably only a few seconds but they look so beautiful in a predatory way if that's possible. I think its time for a drink of coffee, which I now can make without too much effort, I might even make my self some light lunch.

So much for my light lunch, it started out well a two egg mushroom and cheese omelette. Then the mardies came ( a sense of feeling sorry for your self) a bag of crisps looked up at me from the kitchen table, I'll have that I thought, yum but it didn't do the trick. This needed something more substantial something sweet, but what? A trip to the kitchen cupboard, yes there on the goodies shelf lay a chocolate cereal bar, not the healthy type, the I couldn't if I tried put any more calories in type. And do you know what you've guest it, no good ether. It never is food can't make you feel happy its got to come from with in.

I'm off to get my head in to a better place. There's so much to feel good about so I need to give my self a kick up the jack-say and start to look on the bright side of life.

Friday 7 March 2008

nightmares and wet feet


Its 2:30 am I've just woke up from yet another nightmare.
My legs are like jelly I'm clammy all over I think my heart is going to bust through my chest, my chest is slightly tight and hurts. I'm fed up. I really thought to night was definitely the night for sleep glorious uninterrupted sleep.
Since I was rushed into hospital nearly three weeks ago with violent headache and vomiting, I've been having regular nightmares nearly every night some night more than one. Also my feet feel like there wet, covered in warm soapy water. All very strange.

I do have like most people the odd bad dream. But These dreams are so real. I am mostly being chased to be killed or tortured and then killed or chased to be raped thankfully without success.
Tonight I was in hospital and the doctors wanted my body, dead body that is.
Like in all good nightmares the chase was on, lots of ally ways, stairs and high places. I don't like heights especially when dangling from flimsy poles or half staircases, with large needles my pursuers were successfully poking into me to make me drop. Slowly as I lost my grip as the drugs in the needles started to take effect, I tumble from one prop to another. Thankfully I awoke before I hit the bottom. In a bit of a state it took me a few minutes to calm my self down. Looking on the bright side, the good thing is tonight I felt well enough to go down stairs to make my self a warm milky drink.
I will get that peaceful nights sleep may be tomorrow?

Thursday 6 March 2008

My clanger has lost its voice.


I thought yesterday that I would sleep well, wrong again. Just before I went to bet my head felt like someone had played a game of cricket with it. But on the bright side feels a lot better now.
As I stumbled out of bed this morning ( I literally did I have balance problems ). I saw one of the cuddly toys had fallen of the top of a book shelf. It was a clanger that makes a clanger type noise, you have to know what a clanger is to understand. Any-ho
I picked it up and of course pressed its tum to listen to its noise which when pressed 'translated' says "o no the bloody doors stuck again" a bit random but it fits some how. I pressed and a whirring of worn out batteries met my ears what sorrow!
What next would the soup dragon soon follow suit? What! life will not be the same without the random pressing of the soup dragon as well.
To get over the shock of voiceless clanger I sat on the bed, then started to smile. how happy my middle daughter Jane was when she brought the toy in for me, knowing how much I used to like the clangers when they where on Tv. Later she added the soup dragon to my collection.
This brought about a memory when my girls (Viv, Jane & Ruth)were quite small, I was quite ill in bed and unable to look after myself. (Andy my wonderful husband had to run the house, go to work and look after me). It was on mothers day with their spending money brought me a cuddly toy to cheer me up, it was a vulture!! Which made me and my husband laugh so much it brought tears to my eyes, especially as the girls didn't realise what the stuffed bird was and how some people may be unamused by it. I on the other hand love it, it still has pride of place on the bed head looking down on me, waiting its turn!

I had my walk up the garden path today and yes two male frogs waiting for the lady frogs to arrive for a little froggy love in.
I wish my garden was bigger I could put a large shed or had some kind of out building. I am felling a little restless (which I supposes is good)about my studio space. If I had room in my garden I would be able to have a studio there in stead of one 7 miles away that's closed, not as I am fit enough to drive there any way. But it would be good to have a studio close to home perhaps in the village? but I think we have looked every where around us, shame.

Its hard for us all when illness tries to hold you back. I am very lucky in one sense. Yes I am in a lot of pain most of the time, and some times when I'm Having a flare up of my illnesses, (I have more than one). I have no energy, balance, double vision and yes the pain which gets very bad. I have a very loving family that if I let them would wrap me up in cotton wool. Andy my teas maid and bottle washer is wonderful, It brings a tear to my eyes thinking how good he's been and how good he is for me. Andy is a very caring person he works at home not only as my carer when I'm ill, but as a successful life coach. This is very helpful when you need help with your life's challengers and helps to make meaningful changes to it. Thank you darling.

Wednesday 5 March 2008

I feel a little better today thank you.

I feel a little better today. My body pain is less and my headache is ok, but then it should be with all the pain killers I've taken, I may even get a full nights sleep.


Made coffee today and cooked a jacket potato in the microwave! what an exciting life I have. Tomorrow I'm going up the garden path to look in the pond for frogs. yippeeeee.


Been thinking a lot about my art work, not been to my studio for months. Been locked out because the boiler broke down and the council found asbestos in the boiler room who knows when that will be fixed. Can't help worrying about my paintings in a cold damp old Victorian school, will they have damp patches or worse mould on them by the time I get well enough to go to the stdio or the heating is fixed.


A text message keeps popping into my head that my eldest daughter Viv sent while I was in hospital last week. "I've just seen a crow flying by my window with some one's glasses, I wonder what its going to do with them"? good question !


This has made me think about a dream I had last night. I was trying to buy a new invention, a ghost Mobile phone. It would able me to leave it for my dad to use ( I miss him very much, he died 30 years ago). But what if there were such thing would it be a good thing? What about the kind of deceased parent or other that just wanted to tell you what a failure you are. grumble about where your going wrong in life. saying pull your self together and get on with it. what joy not.