Swallows

Sunday afternoon and we have seen our first swallows of the year. Summer must be on its way.

Wormy Nightmares

3;45am I'm fed up and pist off with nightmares. 4-5 nights out of seven are spatted with nightmares and sometimes 3-4 a night, at the moment quite a few are worm related. I hate worms and at one time I had a complete worm phobia. I couldn't;t even say the the word worm, at best they were referred to as them things usually shuddering. It has been known in the past for me to go in to hysterics at the sight of them. When my nephew Ray was little he thought it was hilarious to bring in a worm from the garden for Auntie Lynda. On a couple of occasions I ran up stairs and locked my self in the bathroom, and passed out behind the door in terror. I've had to be piggy backed back from the pub before now, when it rained and the worms were on the path. I can remember not long after I had met Andy we had been to a club, (luckily for Andy not far from where he lived) it had been raining and the ground was covered in worms. The poor man didn't know what he was letting him self in for. He had to carry me up a steep hill to his flat, while I panicked.
Our grand son Finlay loves digging in our garden for wriggly worms! with his grandad, luckily he hasn't yet shared his enthusiasm with me. It has taken me years to be able to say the word worm and to be able to see one with out having dickey fits.
I just remembered, when Vivyan was little, I had walked up the garden and was looking at some flowers when a worm crawled over my foot! I screamed ran in and put my foot under the hot water tap. I burnt my foot under the red hot water as it ran over my foot, trying to get rid of the wormy feeling. I only stopped because it was time to fetch Vivyan from school. I walked sobbing like a fool all the way to school a good mile away. Having got to school all blotchy and still sobbing, the other mums tried to find out what was wrong, the only thing I could get out was tell you tomorrow. They must have though something bad had happened to Andy. Luckily my old neighbor and worm remover Lynn was there collecting her son Ian. She took one luck at me and said "is it them things again", to which I just nodded. She was then able to put the other Mums minds a rest, and nip in the bud Andy's demise.
Hopefully I can nip in the bud this trend of nightmares before my phobia comes back! and go back to my normal night terrors, whats normal about having so many bad dream I don't know, but again Ive nether been all together normal any way!

Birthday Hams and a Laptop

It's 2:30am. just woke from my second nightmare, that and the pain down my arm is keeping me awake.
Its my Mums 85th birthday today! I would have normally made her a cake but again this year I can't, the best I can make her is a cup of coffee, I wonder if a candle will float? Janet my Sister has cooked a ham, can you have a birthday ham, and if so will it hold 85 candles?
Janet and Mike, (Mike's my bro-in-law) came down from New Castle yesterday, Mum's going up for a couple of weeks on Sunday.
It was good seeing Janet I wish I could have spend more time with her. We get on well and have a laugh, but I get so tied when I talk for any length of time.
Jane and the children are coming down today, while my Andy and Andy, Jane's husband do a few jobs at Jane's. (Their getting their house ready to put up for sale). Plus Jane wants to see her Gran on her birthday. All these activities around me will take its toll on me, but worth it.
I have spent a some of time over the last two days bulling Andy, getting him to sort out a second hand laptop, and help me to put mahjong and card games on it ready for my Mums birthday. Hope she likes it. Unfortunately I can't work out how to get a mouse to work along side it. Which Mum needs, as she has a shaky hands and can't use a touch pad. We will have to work on it when she comes back from New Castle.

Last Exams

My 3am post. I'm laid here hot water bottle under my shoulder trying to ease some pain. Thinking of good things.
Yesterday, Monday Vivyan had her last exam thank god. It's been hard on her but she has done incredibly well. She suffers far to badly with migraines, especially when under stress. So needless to say she's had quite a few of late. The doctors have given her some low dose beta blockers to help to control this, I not heard of this before a trip to the web is in order. See ya soon.
I'm back just read about beta blockers and migraines. Apparently they don't know why beta blockers work for migraines but it does. people who suffer with high blood pressure are given beta blockers as we know. people who have blood pressure and migraines are found to have less or no migraines after taking beta blockers. That's brill! I also read that people who have Asama should not take beta blockers. Vivyan has Asama I will mention this next time we talk, I need to no that her doctor has taken this in consideration, I'm sure they have but better to be safe.
Any way she nearly done the masters, roll on the PhD. Dr Viv at your service. Well done my little darling.

Every thing has its purpose

oh flip!!! its 3:30am I'm shattered but the pain in my side and arm keeps wakening me up! That and I'm missing my dad. He give me a hug and say, "never mind everything will be alright soon, and every thing has it purpose".
I love his hug right now, even his for every thing no matter what reassurances.
I would have to ask though how soon and what possibly can be the purpose? Never mind I get a warm feeling just thinking about him, and may be he his with me right now, I hope so.

Will Andy need L plates?

One of those middle of the night posts.
I when to the pain clinic today. Pain clinic it sounds like some where you go to get pain, not pain relief!
Any way I will not see an immediate change in pain levels. The way I read it is they can't cure this kind of pain, I have to learn ways of reducing its level, by at first total relaxation. We talked about different methods to relax, and was given deep breathing exercises to do three times a day. This will help me and my body to totally relax and in doing this help to readjust the way my body's pain receptors work. All very complicated.
I confronted a big step in my physical self today. After walking from the car park to the clinic, I was tired. Then after talking which I find just as tiring if not more so when I have to concentrate, I was totally bushed (had it, kaput)and later in a lot of pain). Andy had to borrow a wheel chair to get me back to the car! This made me realise that I need to use a chair at the moment if I want to go any where. I felt very self conscious sat in the chair, it felt like people might think, she looks healthy enough to walk the lazy cow!
This brought me to think, because you can't see the physical health problems I have, and because Ive always tried to hide/put on a show to cover the pain and fatigue, only a few people realize what I'm going through. Dose it really matter what people think, when I'm sat in a wheel chair. So off with the old and on with the new confident this is who I am at this time! And let people think what they want, the only people that really matter I think already understand and if they don't that's their problem. I do feel sorry for Andy though he's the one pushing! do you think he needs L plates?

Hand Rails, Wheel Chairs and Stair Lifts?

Corrine a occupational therapist from the social services came to see me today. She came to see if I need any equipment or any other help. I have had as few problems coming to terms with my health and especially my lack of stamina.
She measured the steps out side our back door ready to fit a hand rail. which will be useful especially in winter as they can get very slippy. We also talked about a wheel chair for when I go out. This was very difficult, I know it makes sense it just, well doesn't feel right. In my head I'm able to walk, in reality I can't walk far, consequently it means that we don't go out any where. So a wheel chair is on its way. It will be very trying using it at first, and I will only use it when I have no other option, and I've got to face it at the moment I have no other option. The last thing Corrine suggested was a stair lift for the times that I am feeling very weak or having balance problems. She's probably right, but I need more time to think about it, its all a bit much at the moment.

Old LPs for Sale

I'm laid on the bed listing our old LPs for sale. You don't realise how attach you get to inanimate objects. It like listing old memories, all most like looking into the past through a window. Each LP holds a hazy image. Some like the Zeppelin, Uriah Heep, Bowie and many other albums, you can feel the energy of that era in your life. I feel a bit sad that we are parting with them, but they must go, we just haven't the room, or some thing to play them on. At least we have most on CD now and being realistic I don't think about them much only when going through them like this. We must have been careful because most of the vinyls are like new and covers are at worst are good not bad to say the majority are 30 years old or more. Any way back to it still have nearly a ton to do.

What can one do!

What can one do! Its a quarter to six, woke up in pain at one thirty. Can hardly keep my eyes open, but my muscle will not let me sleep! May be after the next lot the pain killers will do the job. Only one and a half hours left to wait before I can have some more. Roll on Wednesday when I go to the pain clinic.

Finlay pot washer extraordinaire

I couldn't resist putting this photo of my grandson up. When I came across it in the photo album on my computer, it reminded me of before I got ill this time. Finlay around 20-22 months loved to help with the pots, something he still likes to do but doesn't get the chance. First thing he said when seeing the dishes was "bib on". He would take you to where the aprons are hung, and want his apron on and I would have to put mine on too. I'm not sure which place had the most water, the sink bowl or the floor? but the dishes he washed were washed well with lots of rubbing with the wash sponge and rinsed in the water time upon time. When he had finished he always wanted to start again and was not very happy when we said no.