Saying no to nightmares

I think I might have got rid of my recurring nightmares. Since my last relapse in February I have been having the most horrible nightmares three or four times a week, and up to seven a night. The dreams were trying to convince me that I was of no use just a hindrance to my family. They brought in family and friends long gone, or unrecognizable ghostly figures pulling me away from my sleeping body. The voices seem to stay with me for a while after waking, so vivid was the dreams.
My last nightmare was around a week ago, until then they never went more than two nights apart. The last bad dream started as usual reminding me of my lack of strength and ability to converse with people for any length of time, and how Andy and my girls would be much better of without me. Andy could get on with life with out me dragging him down and holding him back. Half way through the dream I stood up instead of cowering away and said, Stop! that's not true!. I woke shacking but I felt like a great weight had been lifted. Each night I'm still a little apprehensive about going to sleep but this is getting less and less, and know find my self having normal dreams again (well as normal has dreams can be).

Burglar Bill in the Studio

One of my painting before it was redecorated.
Beginnings 2007 Oil on Canvas 60"x60"


If you have read some of my earlier posts you will know my studio has been closed up for over eight months. Recently it has been broken into, and Andy has taken me there to assess any damage or loss. We were told today the studio has been broken in to three times in the last couple of months, frustrating that we have only just been aloud access in to it. Children or youths were to blame at first, but it seems pretty clear adults are to blame. A number of my painting have been stolen, I should see it as flattering, But don't like the thought of Bill the Burglar having my paintings on his wall.
To make it look like children had been in they splattered purple paint at five or six of my painting coursing a some damage. Kids would have used a lot of different colour paints and probably straight from the tube. The paint was squeezed out on a table then thrown at the paintings. A prepared canvas had been sprayed painted on and one other painting, but in a half hearted and very casual way.
They stole some power tools, my CD player and a couple of unused canvases still in their packaging. One of my easels was damage while being used as a battering ram to try and get into the other studios.
All this make me feel that if children had been in they're would have compleatly trashed the place. All that paint in tins and tubes would have been so much fun in a empty building with no one to stop them.
The council representative (its a council owned building) said the police were not at all interested in the break in, nothing unusual there then. We have taken some of my paintings home and hope to collect some more soon, who knows where we are going to put them all. As for insurance I don't think I'm covered with the council.
The most upsetting thing for me is not what they have taken it's the vandalism of my work.

Good Time Lovely People

It's 3am and I'm wide awake, so I thought I talk about Frank's (Andy's friend's) 50th birthday party. We arrived at Frank's with Andy's wonderful turkey pie ( Andy makes a fantastic turkey pie, Its like a pork pie only made with turkey instead)and some boozes. We had totally forgot it was his 50th, so didn't get him any thing special except the pie. They're that much going on in our live at the moment we did we turning up on the right day!
Frank and his family are lovely warm people, and their home was filled with lots of their friends and family, who we are slowly getting to know. Amongst his friends are Andy's mutual friend Paul and wife Linda.
I always look forward to seeing Paul and Linda, again very warm people. Paul has had a lot of health challenges over the last seven years, with symptoms very like my own. Talking to Paul helps me a lot because he truly understands how I feel, and I hope I do the same. Linda has had her share of problems as well, as she puts it I've not got much left that the hospital can remove. She makes a joke out of it but it must be worrying for them both.
We had a lovely time with lovely people and good food who could ask for more. Frank said he's going to give up his job in IT and doing a six months chefs course, something he's wanted to do for a while. He love good food so I think he will make a great chef, and look forward to sample some of his work. We had to leave early as I had total had it. We had been there for 2-3 hours, which was very good to say it was my first big gathering since my relapse in Feb. As soon as we got home I crawled straight into bed.

Isamu Noguchi Opening

I had a wonderful day yesterday. Andy and myself went to the opening of Isamu Noguchi at Yorkshire Sculpture Park Nr Wakefield. What a wonderful exhibition, we will be going back very soon to see it again. Anthony Gormley introduced Isamu Noguchi work and declared it open. They're must have been 300 people invited on the day, so space around the work was limited. Isamu Noguchi sculpture are so tactile and full of gut feelings and work on themes that are an intrest to me. You need to spend quite a time with each one to get the most out of it, and then go back and get more, something you can't do when it's so crowded. I hope we can get back to see it in the next couple of weeks, may be have a picnic as well.
I worked at YSP for over ten years as resident sculptor and education officer along side sculptor Gary Cormack. It was lovely seeing my old colleagues and particularly nice seeing Gary as I have only seen him once since I had to retire three years ago through my illness.
Andy has a web-site and in his last post features Isamu Noguchi work in more detail. He would love you to visit his site. just click on to the creative Instint in my links near the top right of the page.

3am

It's nearly 3am and I haven't had much sleep. I have had three nightmares already, they're like a dripping tap, and get on your nerves. I feel quite level headed but it seems my subconscious is a little screwed up. Looking on the bright side I did have two nights without night terrors. Tonight after waking up in a bit of a dreamy state my heart beating like mad. Our wonderful black cat Leah came in the cat flap with a bang. Then started to let out the most horrible almost talking meow, followed with some hissing and growling. Just what you need after a really bad dream. I managed to collect my self and went down stairs to see what was wrong, thinking another cat was trying to get in. Apparently she was just being silly no other cats around, not even Max. So I made a drink and brought my lap-top up to bed, and now have finish said drink I will try once more to get some sleep.

Glass Half Full Again

We went to festival in Sheffield today with Jane, Andy, Finlay and Amber. Can't believe how cold it was for the middle of July. We had a lovely walk around the festival stalls, stopping at one tent where drums were being played. They're were three drummers inviting people to join in, Finlay was there like a shot, followed by Jane and the two Andys. The tent was full of about twenty drummers, it sounded very good to say it was mainly 'Joe Public' playing. On our way back to Jane's house, Finlay was in his push chair, and I in my wheelchair. Finlay looked at me and said " Grandma what's wrong"? I just said I'd been poorly. He's aways been used to me using a stick, but not in a wheelchair. What a deep question for a child of just over two, bless him.
Later on our way home we called at a shop. I went in by myself to buy some herb tea, to be able to do this was fantastic. Yesterday I felt like crying because my glass was half empty, today I feel like crying because its half full. What a difference a day can make.

A Glass Half Empty

I was talking to John last week saying I never or rarely see my self as a glass half empty kind of person. I believe I'm a very lucky person, and that's true.
I had forgot that I do have my glass half empty days, and today is one of them.
The weather is bleak, I'm feeling very down and depressed. It's one of those days where you need to do something to get it out of your system. Something physical, a run or a brisk walk through the countryside. To do the kind of exercise that cleans the soul and burns out all the negative thoughts. I wish I had the energy, I'm so fed up! I feel like smashing something, and having a good cry. I hate days like these.

Home Alone

Andy's gone to a conference in Leeds for a couple of days, he is presenting a introduction into well-being.
So I'm home alone, or so I thought. Ruth was on the phone talking to her dad yesterday, with a report on her charity walk in the Peak District(more about that later). After finding out he was away, she decided to come for a relaxing couple of days at home. In other words Mother Sitting! Bless she so good, they all are.
Ruth walk went well at first, she had to wrap up well because of the weather wasn't very good. Ruth suffers and I mean suffers from a very rear complaint, 'Cold Artilaria' which basically means if she get cold eg; cold rain, wind, snow or just cold she comes up in blisters her throat tightens so she can't breath very well ( a bit like a Asama Attack) and can go into anaphylactic shock. She takes a high level of antihistamines and some times if she goes into shock she needs to use a adrenalin pen administered.
The weather was against her this weekend. she walked 20 miles in cold rain and hail. So consequently had to be ambulance off through her condition, so was unable to finish. She was so upset as she was a good 40 minutes in front of the rest, unfortunately, this also meant she was very ill and waiting for help to arrive for that time.
She had done every thing right regarding the precautions she took, but the icy rain did it for her. But I think she should be commended for what she achieved under the conditions. Well done Ruth.

Next stop the marathon

I've been on a expedition to day. It's our local council elections, and I went to put my x in the box. The big thing is I walked there and back in one, all 300-400 yards. A laughingly small distance for most, but for me a good walk. My legs were like jelly when I got back home, but I'm so pleased with my self. For my next trick a 400-500 yard marathon, they're no stopping me once I get started!

My First Big Day Out.

Our cat Leah sunbathing.

We went out last Saturday afternoon to Andy's sisters (Debbie) house, near Lincoln (3 hours traveling, there and back).
This was a big deal for me, it's the first time I have been out visiting family. We had a lovely time sat on the patio watching Georgia 3 and Bonnie 2 play.
We had been looking forward for the time when we were able to visit family and friends. In the past after we have had some visitors or I have had a little outing, I have had to pay for it big time, a couple of days latter with a storming head ache and feeling very weak. I did feel weak this time, but only had a normal head ache.
This has opened up a new door for us to get out and about more, may be we will be able to baby sit our grand children soon. I would really like to do this, it would be good to let Jane and Andy 'A' go out for a meal or something. I'm so excited! I feel like a house cat who's found a way out, so much to explore. I mustn't get too carried away, slowly, slowly does it. Hopefully we will be able to visit Andy's other sister soon(Angie), and may be stop over, and see his brother as well (Rob) can't wait. I will truly know when I'm on the mend when we visit our daughter Viv in Edinburgh, and stop off at my sister's (Janet) in Newcastle. Oh so much to do!