mumbles of a confused mind

Why do itches move?

2008-12-01T13:35:00.005Z

Do you ever have an itch that just won't be scratched?
Many a night I have a itch on my back that itches with an intensity that would drive you mad if it wasn't scratched straight away. Of course the itch is just out of reach and I have to ask Andy to scratch it. Andy seems to takes his time and some times I sure on purpose, pretending not to know where the itch is.
I could do with some kind of grid tattooed on my back, so I can say go straight to G5 and when it move I can give more direction A7-F2-B9 and so on.
But what makes the itching sensation and why does the itch move? I have had a look on the web all that I can find is a skin irritation eg: allergy, rash, lose skin extra will cause the itch, well nothing we don't already know.
This still hasn't answered my question, why a itch moves. So if any one has a idea I would be intrsted to know.

Viv' & John's wedding day

2008-11-25T22:15:00.007Z

Vivyan our eldest daughter was married last Saturday.It was wonderful to see her and her new husband look so happy. They had four gorgeous bridesmaids, Jane and Ruth our other two daughters, Rachel Johns sister and Viv's best friend Cat from Uni. Vivyan looked so beautiful I know I'm bias being her mother but she filled the room with her stunning yet understated dress and a smile that said how much see was enjoying every moment. The love between her and john was plain to see, and really pulled at your heart stings.

A run out in the peaks.

2008-11-13T18:06:00.009Z

We had a run out into the Peak District to look at the autumn colours.
But the colours looked at me.

My Mum-in-law (Sylvia)came to stay for the weekend, and we thought it might be nice to go out and see the beautiful colours of the trees and nowhere better than the Peak District with its wild hills and crags.

The day started with us taking Sylvia and my Mum to Ruth's house for lunch. Then we all piled into our car for the countryside. We were spellbound by the beautiful scenery and the autumn colour was spectacular. On our way back we stopped for a drink in a lovely pub who sold real ale. Shame it was so far from home I think we could have stayed for a beer session.

As we came out and walked through the car park I had one of my sudden headaches. These headaches are I think caused through the Arnold Chiari, and come on with out any warning.
We hadn't gone far when Andy thought we had gone past our turning and gone the wrong way.
I said: there's a lay-by there, may be you can turn around in it?
Andy: Oh that's good. ( he pulls into what seemed a perfectly ok pull-in. Bang!.
The car had found a big pot hole that had been filled with water and covered with leaves. I got out of the car).
Me: we found a pot hole, I said feeling the worst from my head ache.
Andy:: I hope its not done too much damage? Can we get out?
Me: Yes. (I was going on to say . If you turn your wheel far right and that should do it. But let me move out of the way first. You guessed it, he didn't hear a word of that. The car wheels spun and scooped up large quantities of wet slimy, but not too smelly mud.
I was covered from head to foot. On the bright side Andy got out of the pot-hole).
Andy, got out of the car.
Me: thinking he's coming to see if I'm ok .
Andy said: are we out? (looking down at the car wheel).
Me, covered in mud: Yes darling we are out, how about giving me a little kiss.
Andy, Looking up at me trying not to laugh too much: Oh sorry darling.( whipping the mud away from my mouth and giving me a kiss).
Me: I told you not to move straight away.
Andy: I never heard you.

The back of the car My Mum, Sylvia and Ruth thought it was very funny. Mum passed me a little handkerchief, a lot of use that was. It was just like what you would see in a old Laurel and Hardy sketch. Where Hardy would clear his eyes with his fingers then flick the mud to the floor. It was funny though and the mud did cool my head a little. Around twenty miles later we were home and the mud had started to dry and flake off as I walk down the path to the house. As I stripped off in the kitchen, I couldn't believe that the mud had found it's way right down into my bra and some was even on my belly, nice!

The same as a bin lorry.

2008-11-07T17:24:00.009Z

Our grand children have been down today. Finlay (two and a half) the oldest was sat on my knee, we were just talking about stuff. When I thought this is an opportunity to find out what to get him for Christmas.
My mum has bought him a big bin lorry for Christmas and I know he will love it. Andy and my self have seen a big fire engine and a helicopter, we were not sure which to get.

Me: Which do you like best, a helicopter or a fire engine?
Finlay: Fire engine.
Me: Which do you like most, a fire engine or a bin lorry?
Finlay: bin lorry.
Me: What do you like the most a bin lorry or Grammar?
Finlay: (without to much hesitation) Bin lorry.
Me: Which do you love the most, a bin lorry or Grandad?
Finlay: (after much thought he came to his conclusion) The same.

It's nice to where we stand, it serves me right for asking. At least we know what to buy him, unless we get a digger!.

The plumber's testicles!

2008-10-30T11:25:00.011Z

I was laid in bed this morning doing a sudoku puzzle when a knock came to the door. It was the plumber, he had come to fix our shower. We had a shower fitted about a month ago and it stopped working last weekend.
Here comes a rant. Why o why when you buy something new do you either have to take it back because its faulty or there's something missing? in this case it worked for a few weeks then the b**!!%^&* stopped working. In the last couple of weeks we have bought a, no correction, two free standing draws for the bathroom. First set from the vastly going down the hill Argos. A two draw set with rattan draws, the cabinet would have fallen over if you sneezed any where near it, the rattan draws were plastic, the wood part of the cabinet was covered in scratches and it smelt wicked! The second set from Wilkinson's much better made from split bamboo in a wooden frame and ready assembled, But once again had a broken draw had to go back to be replaced. We bought new curtains for the hall and landing (isn't landing a odd word for the top of the stairs? I suppose you could say you have landed on top of the stairs after walking up, but landing imply you have flown up and landed on. But what should it be called? a got there? on the finish? upstairs hall, who knows). Back to the curtains, they had a tie back missing. lastly a wooden jigsaw for the grandchildren, we put it together to check it, not because we are big kids, yeah right! it had a piece broken and the edges were tatty on a couple of bits aaaaaaaaaaaar and grrrrrrrrrr.
Back to the plumber, who seemed very nice and chatty. It was so funny listening to Andy and him talk to each other. Golf came up and " I haven't played well this year me neither, last year I got a 8? me too. then came Plumber: I got an hernia. Andy: how long have you had that, I bet it's painful. Plumber: Yeah it is. About a month, they treat me for wind at first and gave me Gaviscon, then I went back to the doctor's and said it getting worse. He then went on to describe the conversation between him and the doctor. Plumber to Andy: it hurts all around here, and right down to my tes-tic-ules, he said testicles in a very clear and comically correct, except for a pronounced 'u'. At this point Andy was worried he was going to show him where it hurt. It sound bad but I had all on not to laugh out loud. And no one should laugh at a mans painful 'tes-tic-ules'.

the price of porridge

2008-10-28T17:07:00.006Z

As you know I had a relapse back in February and I haven't been able to go to the supermarket shopping since until a few days ago.
Andy went to do the half weekly shop and I tagged along. I needed shampoo, hair dye and body moisturizer, Andy would get it for me but I wanted the right stuff. No disrespect to Andy, but it can be a mine field for women buying this stuff.
I didn't want to go in the wheel chair so I walked some of the way around, as it would have been to far to much for me to go all the way. But what an eye opener, every thing seems to have doubled in price. When we got to the porridge I couldn't find the home brand I have at 35p a bag, it was there but in different packaging and now 69p that's a 100% raise! and it didn't stop there every thing has gone up at least 50%, how in just eight months? Andy must have got fed up with me saying look at the price of that, how much!
Something else, all these so called half price deals, the supermarket doubles the price on the items then halves it and then promotes it as half price! how stupid do they think we are? I think I should stay at home, or go on TV as one of the grumpy old women, and get payed for it, perhaps then I can afford the porridge.

Max the demented cat.

2008-10-14T10:57:00.011+01:00

Max on a good day.

Cats can develop dementia when they get older. Both our cats are showing signs, but Max is really losing it. He's always had some problems reaching back to when he was a kitten, he had cat flu and meningitis, this left him with 'learning difficulties'. He's never caught a bird, his idea of stalking is to bounce up the garden like tigger out of winnie the pooh, and looks surprised when they fly off. He's even been known to run down the garden path wetting him self when a black bird has chased him, what a woos!

Over the last couple of years he has started needing nursing more, which is good. But on the other hand he has started for no reason to bite me, which isn't so good.
He sprays up and down the garden even the pond gets it. This behavior he has brought into the house luckily not as much, Andy's computer screen and in the hall are his favorit places,'nice'.
This the cat does apparently because they forget where they are and how to get back home, and the sent trail helps them to find their way back. (Wicked thought, may be next time he goes out I could have the garden disinfected and he might not find his way back, bad lynda bad, bad girl).
You dare not go up to him to give him a stroke in case he scratches you. I recently had a scratch from him that left a large cut in the palm of my hand. He was sat on a chair looking more out of it than usual, (he always looks like the only thing going through his head is white noise)I gave him a gentle stroke he spun upside down in terror and attacked me.

He comes in through the cat flap in the night and meows until you shout down and say its alright Max, he just needs reassuring then he settles. That is except one night he was too upset and I had to go down stairs to calm him. He was more affectionate tan usual, he was obviously pleased to see me. He settled after lots of love then made sure I didn't disappear from him by marking me. Great! nothing like a shower at 2am in the middle of the night. One other thing, he forgets he's eaten and keeps asking for more, he can be hard work. Oh, I forgot he keeps attacking Leah our other cat, she does not no whats hit her half the time. He jumps on her while she sleeps and grabs her when she goes through the cat flap, she has just had enough of him and growls when he comes near, and who can blame her.

Poor old Max! The condition is very similar to what we see in human Alzheimer's. I didn't realize cats could get it, but there's a lot about cat dementia on the net. It's quite worrying, we not sure what to do about it, or him.

The colour of snot.

2008-10-12T11:48:00.013+01:00

Andy and my self have had a virus all week. Our joints, muscles, head and any thing else you can think of hurt like hell. I also had, and still have a sore throat and ears. But it's the runny nose that has got me thinking, why when you have a heavy cold why is the snot always green? After over a box of tissues and half a toilet roll I decided to get to the bottom of it, or the nose of it in this case.
Here is what I have found out:

Contrary to what you might think, normal nose glop is vital for good health. It helps to protect your lungs and also helps keep your body moist ( it's always good to have a moist body, oooooooh matron). It contains proteins, carbohydrates, salt and some cells. The primary type of protein are the mucins, which have a sugar coating that enables them to absorb large quantities of water. Which gives mucus its consistency and wetting properties. These also contain antibodies that kick start the body’s defences against disease causing agents such as bacteria, viruses and fungi and antiseptic enzymes, such as lysozyme, that can directly kill bacteria. Isn't snot good stuff.

A stuffed up nose is caused when mucus gets trapped behind swollen nasal passages. They become swollen because of increased blood flow to that area,this occurs so that the goodie white blood cells can reach the point of infection. This is why decongestants can help your cold by shrinking the blood vessels and cutting down the blood flow, reducing the swelling. Except I can't use them. Ibuprofen upsets my stomach in a big way and sudafed gives me nightmares, that is if I can sleep after I have taken the dam stuff! But not all is lost, apparently if you have a runny nose then taking antihistamines can help by blocking the histamine-induced stimulation of mucus production.

white blood cells called neutrophils are amongst the first on the scene when a cold starts and arrive via the blood stream. Upon arrival they mount an attack. They attempt to engulf (swallow) the pathogen (a virus in the case of colds) and at the same time they produce antiseptic chemicals that wipe out other pathogens nearby. These chemicals are so potent that very little escape and are destroyed, committing suicide to fight the spread of infection. Generally, enzymes are responsible for the production of the antiseptic chemicals and it is these that give mucus the green colour. Enzymes often require ‘helpers’, called co-enzymes, to function properly and it is more specifically the co-enzyme iron that lends the green colour to mucus. Interestingly, it is similar to the iron containing enzymes in wasabi and that what makes it green too.

So, I finally I have my answer, why snot is green. It's the iron containing enzymes, and the same reason why wasabi is green, but thankfully snot is not as hot. I suppose if it was, you wouldn't have a cold, you would have a hot!
Most of my information came from Becky Poole from Bristol Uni . Well someone's got to do it. And here ends the lesson in The colour of snot.

Cant believe it, it's snowing on mars!

2008-10-02T05:25:00.007+01:00

Image from Hoax-slayer

It's 5:30am I've been awake for a couple of hours at least. A number of thing are keeping me awake, yes the normal aches and pains. Mainly my art and whats it about, and the news that it's snowing on Mars.
Scientists from NASA said yesterday that its instruments on the Red Planet have detected falling snow. The Phoenix Mars Lander has been sitting on the northern pole of the planet for several months, testing Martian soil samples for any materials, including water and ice that could support life. A robotic arm on the lander has dug up pieces of ice, the orbiter has also sent back pictures of what look like old fractures in the planet's surface, and trails of waterways.
The snow that's falling, are from clouds about 2.5 miles above the planet's surface, and apparently is evaporating before reaching the ground, but they are looking for signs that the snow may reach the ground. NASA also noticed that in recent soil experiments, the lander had found the presence of calcium carbonate, a main ingredient in chalk and clay. Both are formed with liquid water, this is so exciting.
As you probably know scientists have reported finding evidence of a system of river channels that flowed into a crater lake, slightly larger than Lake Tahoe in California. The orbiter has sent back information showing that there was water on Mars as far back as 4.6 billion to 3.8 billion years ago. This is a period of time that corresponds to the earliest years of our solar system. My head is spinning, and this time through the enormity of the findings (makes a change my from Arnold Chiari). I've got to say it once more, it's snowing on Mars!
It's 6:15 I think I will try and get some sleep if my imagination will let me.

The end of a era.

2008-09-25T13:47:00.005+01:00

That's it, empty, all gone, what now?
Will it reopen we don't know, mean while my sculptures and some paintings are in storage in Alford. As for the rest they're in the spare bed room waiting to be logged and photographed, then put up on a website.
It was quite sad saying good bye to the other artists in the studios, we said we keep in touch, but shall we who knows. Most have got new spaces else where, I am waiting to see what comes up. The council seems to be saying we should be back in in 18 months, whether we do is another matter.
For my self now I'm out it would make sense to try and find some where nearer home, because of my health challenges.
More stuff has gone missing since my last visit to the studio. A inside job is looking favorite at the moment for the latest things. I have only lost a gallon of PVA glue and a canvas stretcher this time, but other artists have lost stuff as well. A artist put a chair in the passage to take to his car went back in his room for a couple of minuets and his chair had disappeared.
One artist was filling a van with what ever she could, stuff that other artist had to get back off her. This leaves a nasty taste in the mouth, I thought every one in there could be trusted.
At the moment I feel a little lost, the studio was where I was just an artist. It was where I could immerse my self in my art, and leave any worries or duties behind. But as funny as it my seem I think something good will come out of it.
So here's to the future and what ever it brings

Feeling sad

2008-09-23T11:46:00.006+01:00

Sleeper iv 2004 fabric and resin.
The 9ft sculpture that had to go in the skip

I'm feeling sad.
I am or should I say, Andy and my brother-in-law John are emptying my studio tomorrow. I will have to be ruthless with some of my stuff. Stuff I don't need but have become apart of me, and my studio. Silly things like a part of a ex sculpture that was exhibited for the Vagina Monologues a few years ago. Two armatures for life size sculptures I was working on, and very sadly a nine foot, very dominant, figurative sculpture, too big to take away and store. Two large solid wood work tables, my easy chair and cupboards. Oh so sad. I will get over it but I,m not looking forward to going tomorrow, it will be so very hard. It was my space, where my creativity flowed and was apart of who I am.

Viv's got a distinction

2008-09-15T12:25:00.008+01:00

Viv our eldest daughter has got a distinction for her Masters in Science, her love for lichen and all things fungi has paid off. What's fantastic is, that she did it in a year while suffering from migraines and she had a small stroke!
She applied for a job in the research of lichens in the environment, last week, right down her street or wood or hill top.
Yaaaaaa, she got it and starts in December, at the Botanics in Edinbough.

Dressed and ready

2008-09-11T10:40:00.020+01:00

A bad photograph of a detail of painting I've been working on today (4ft x 1ft) 30cm x 122cm)oil on board

Last night Andy was running through a presentation he was giving today at a well being day, for Life Coaches. He is the creator of a coaching module/program (I'm not sure of the correct terminology for it) designed for professional coaches, called WISER. He has coached me with this tool some time ago (over a year may be two) the session we had was very powerful and gave me strength to create through the challengers I have with health and self belief.
So I'm dresses and ready to paint. I have the paints out, I've got my painting clothes on, and now, I'm too tired! So I'm off to bed and see what a couple of hours sleep will do.
Can't sleep images of what I'm putting down on board are keeping me awake. I tried to meditate to take my mind off it and get to sleep, but no chance. So up I get and start finishing a painting that I started last year before I had a relapse.
God it feels good to get the burning desire to paint and get the images out of your head into reality. I might need to do some tweaking here and there, but I'm quite happy to say it's the first painting I done since last year.
When I finished I thought my head may explode, the pain from concentration was immense. I needed to put cold compresses on my head and neck and lie down. But this is the price I have to pay to create then so bee it. I can't not paint when the images are so strong. It's like ignoring a friend in need or unable to kiss the one you love.
It has to be done I'm unable to turn my back on it, I have tried in the past but that's not who I am.

Wedding Anniversary

2008-09-01T15:01:00.005+01:00

34 years, we been married 34 years yesterday, I can't believe it! Time seems to have gone so quickly, having said that our wedding day does seem thirty four years ago though. I can hardly remember much of the day it's self. I can remember it raining all morning drying up just in time. Plus Andy's family all been in the pub when I arrived at the church, I had to go around the block three times before one of our friends got them into the church. We went on honeymoon that evening only to find when we were getting ready for bed one of my relations had taken out my hair brush and some how took Andy's comb. Not a big deal you may think, the only thing was our hair was very long and mine had been pin up and covered in hair spray. We were unable to buy a brush and comb until the following Wednesday, it was hell. One thing I do know is that I would marry him allover again.

Uncle Eric

2008-08-28T21:46:00.006+01:00

We have been trying to see my Uncle Eric and Auntie Lily for the past 3-4 years. Finally we managed to get up to North Yorkshire to see them.
Uncle Eric is in his eighties, what a change since we saw him last. He has gone from a fit and active man, to someone who is fragile in body and mind. He seems to forget the most basic of things, we were getting seated for lunch and he seemed to forget how to sit, we had to tell him to bend his knees. It must be very confusing for him, plus it must be incredibly hard for my Auntie. How do you cope when the person you love is going through a confusing hell?
She looked tired but said she was very pleased to see us, and wished we lived closer. I said I wouldn't be much help, she said we always cheer her up. Having said that, she also said her dog cheers her up as well, when it cocks its head to one side as much to say whats up with you? We will try and get up to see them again very soon.

Catch up

2008-08-21T09:16:00.015+01:00

One of the painting that was damaged but now ok.

Quite a bit happened around me over the last week or so. Andy has been decorating the hall way and stairs, they're a blog in it's self. Andy hates decorating with a Passion,or should I say dislikes painting quite a bit. He's painted the ceiling and walls, the wood work still needs doing. He's put down laminate flooring in the down stairs hall way (looks pretty good), this he finds he can do and almost enjoy. We haven't yet sorted out the carpet for the stairs and landing, we want a carpet with colour to it, but the shops seem to be full of beige and browns.
We had a busy week Viv, our oldest came to stay and goes back home on Monday we will miss her. It's nice to have her to our selves for a while, John brought her home as he had got a lot of stuff going on and she was unwell. Viv is doing a Masters in Environmental Biology, I think that's right if not I will soon find out! As I said she been ill (more on that later), she a bit of a workaholic and her dissertation is due. Our role is to make sure she doesn't do to much, it's been close but she been good and looking a lot better.
Viv suffers from really bad migraines that can leave her numb down one side and she finds it hard to talk. She has a lot of symptoms that are close to mine, so to rule out Arnold Chiari the hospital gave her a MRI scan. She hasn't got Arnold Chiari thank goodness but has had a slight stroke, probably in the last couple of months. I find this quite worrying but I'm sure if she slows down a little for now and her doctors keep an eye on thing she will be fine.
Moving on, we had some lovely days, last Friday Andy's sister Debbie came with her husband John and their two little girls Georgia and Bonnie. Of course Viv was here and just to make it complete our other two daughters Jane, Ruthie and our grandchildren Finlay and Amber. The children were a joy to watch, and the weather was good for a change. It would have been nice if Angie, Harry and our other nieces were there, but unfortunately that would have been too much for me. Since then I have been trying to recharge my batteries, and I am slowly feeling better.
A week last Monday we went to my old studio to see if we could clean up some of the vandalise paintings. Yes! brill five out of the six could be cleaned, one may need a little touching up but hay better than expected. The painting that had been spray painted stood no chance which a big shame, as it was the last painting I did and was very pleased with it. Hopeful I will be back painting soon, I'm thinking about it quite a bit but still waiting for the energy. It's surprising how much mental energy a abstract painting takes, even when I feel well for me, I feel sapped after it's finished, so intense is the immersion.

A teaspoon of honey might make the weight go down

2008-08-08T12:24:00.002+01:00

I have been having a spoonful of honey every night before going to bed, this week up to now I've lost 2lb. Now I don't really now if it the honey or I'm losing weight by watching what I eat, like the chocolate lolly yesterday 278 calories or the Toblerone this morning 180. I went off my diet last week just so I could count my calories on a normal week. I have an average of between 1,300- 1,600 a day. I did have a spoonful of honey at night and lost one pound. This week my calories are around 1,350 and have lost two pounds, will it stay off I don't know. In the past I have cut my calories down and still didn't loose the weight, could it be the honey? Below is a article I found on the net.

Hibernation Honey Diet
By Ruth Tan

Ruth Tan runs the popular website Benefits of Honey which is an immensely rich, quality resource on honey and its benefits, and a plethora of ... ...
The recent revolutionary Hibernation Diet created by a British pharmacist and a nutrition expert caught my attention by making a powerful connection between poor sleep and obesity. It advocates incorporating mild resistance exercise and a healthy, wholesome, and balanced diet void of highly refined, processed foods such as white bread, pizza, burgers, chocolates, beer and sugar, and suggests taking a generous spoonful or two of honey at night, either as a warm drink, a smoothie or straight from the jar. This fascinating honey hibernation diet promises to help us sleep and lose weight at the same time by using our biology and working with our bodies, rather than against them – “recovery biology”. A new approach to fat metabolism, it requires no straining from aerobics exercise, no wearing out on a treadmill and no pounding it out in the gym. Sounds too easy, too miraculous or too far-fetched to be believable?

Natural honey when taken prior to bed is believed to be able to fuel the liver, speed up fat-burning metabolism, ease stress hormones and help us get a better night's sleep. This oldest natural sweetener also contains a wide variety of vitamins, including vitamins B6, B1, B2 and B5, and minerals such as calcium, copper, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorous, potassium, sodium and zinc, anti-oxidants and amino acids, the building blocks of proteins.

What I learnt about the Hibernation Diet is that honey provides a fuelling mechanism for the body at night, keeping blood sugar levels balanced and letting your recovery hormones get on with burning fat stores. This proposition that honey reduces blood glucose level was published in the Journal of Medicinal Food in April 2004. However, to most people, it seems to defy common sense since honey comprises two sugars, namely glucose and fructose in a 1:1 ratio. Moreover, eating late at night is often discouraged by many people who believe that during bedtime, metablic rate is low and the body cannot burn calories and would easily put on weight. Being a honey enthusiast, I naturally wanted to know more about how the hibernation diet works scientifically for the good of the body.

I read that when sugars are absorbed from the gut into the blood they are first absorbed by the liver, which is the only organ in the human body with the fructose enzyme to process this sugar. In the liver the fructose is converted into glucose, stored as liver glycogen or human starch, and released only if and when blood glucose falls.

Fructose also triggers the glucose enzyme in the liver allowing the liver to take in as much glucose as it requires. This has been referred to as the Fructose Paradox. In other words, fructose lowers the Glycemic Index of glucose; fructose enters the liver and opens the gate for glucose entry preventing a rapid rise in blood glucose. This natural blood glucose regulator found in fruits, vegetables and honey, regulate blood glucose levels and stabilize blood glucose to maintain a regular supply of glucose to the brain.

Some simple questions that the hibernation diet expert asks to check if the liver has fuelled up well for the night:

- Do you wake regularly during the night?

- Do you have night sweats?

- Do you experience acid reflux during the night?

- Do you get up to go to the bathroom during the night?

- Do you feel nauseous in the early morning?

- Do you wake up exhausted?

- Do you have a dry throat in the morning?

- Do you get night cramps?

- Do you feel weak in the early morning?

If “yes” is the answer for any of these questions, it could mean that instead of burning fat and repairing muscles, your body has produced a stream of stress hormones while you've slept.

The hibernation diet also goes on to explain how fructose in honey fuels the brain which is the most energy demanding organ, burning up to 20 times the fuel of any other cell in the body. We become exhausted after having to concentrate for a lengthy period. That’s why we often hear that mental exhaustion is worse than physical exhaustion. The brain needs glucose to survive, however glucose occupies a large amount of storage space and there is no room in the brain. And the liver is the only organ that can both store and release glucose into the circulation. This is why looking after your liver glycogen amount by ensuring that the liver and the brain are well provided for both in the day and at night is so critical. Any fall in blood glucose is detrimental for the brain. The adrenal glands to be activated and the adrenal hormones if overproduced can lead to conditions such as heart disease, osteoporosis, obesity, diabetes, poor immune function, depression and other distressing health problems.

What I find inspiring to read is that we burn an amazing 70% fat during rest, 35% during low level exercise, 20% during moderate exercise, and a low 10% during intense exercise. During sleep we should burn fats. However, if the liver is not fuelled prior to bed, we release stress hormones from the adrenal glands which raise our heart rate and blood pressure. These hormones instead of burning fat, degrade muscle and bone. The liver must deliver 10 grams of glucose every hour -- 6.5 to the brain, 3.5 to the kidneys and red blood cells. As the liver capacity is only 75 grams, most people go to bed with a depleted liver, activating the adrenal glands and do not recover. And if you do not recover you do not burn fats. The hibernation diet essentially aims to encourage people to reap the benefit of your body's own natural recovery system and optimize their recovery biology or fat burning biology, as explicitly termed by the author who believed that this diet is not only to a healthy weight but unlocking energy resources you never know you had.

I'm Back!

2008-08-06T16:11:00.007+01:00

I'm back thinking of painting again, after six months of not knowing who I am. I'm a artist again! yes I am! and whats more my head is spinning with ideas. Working on the same interests but with new life, I only hope I have the energy. Yesterday a large order of canvases and oil paint arrived, this is very exciting.
At the same time my art is taking over my brain and giving me one hell of an head ache. I'm full of nevus energy, my adrenaline is giving me false strength, I need to keep an eye on this. Another question is, when do I allow my self to start painting? will it be counter productive at this time? should I wait until I'm a little stronger? Or will waiting cause more head aches because I can't let my artistic flow run wild? I think it's time to try and see what happens, may be work on a painting that still needs finishing. Or do I leave that one for now, and explore the next? I in a twirl.
One thing I do know it's good to be back, a artist again at least in mind and soon, very soon on canvas.

Frog Prince and the Lilly Pad

2008-08-04T03:24:00.006+01:00

Photograph of Prince earlier this year.

This is the story of prince and the Lily pad.
In our pond we had a frog called Prince. I called him prince after the children's book, 'The Frog Prince'. A prince had been turned into a frog by a wicked witch, and must stay as a frog until a princess fell in love with him and kisses him.
Of course a princess did find him and planted one on the cold wet frog, (yes right as if, but this is a children's fairy tale).
Any way our frog reminded me of the story book I had as a child. Every day I would walk up to the pond to look at Prince the frog on his Lily pad, and every day he was there. Prince was as very tame frog, you could get very close and sometimes touch him. Our cat Leah some times would soft paw him into the water, too tame for his own good. A few days ago just outside our living room window, Andy found a frog on it's back, as stiff as a board. On close inspection it had some damage on it's head, a cat claw may be. Andy showed me the deceased, I said I hope that's not prince.
A few days has past since then, and no sign of prince. Did Leah do for him, or could it be Suzanna the cat from the house across? We will never know, I would like to think a fairy tale princess came and give him a great big wet kiss, and they disappeared into the sun set. What a mushy, syrupy end to a frog's tale.
Prince's demise does shows you how Darwin's theory of evolution is put into practice. A tame wild frog is a dead frog, survival of the fittest or in this case the scared!

Saying no to nightmares

2008-07-29T21:05:00.004+01:00

I think I might have got rid of my recurring nightmares. Since my last relapse in February I have been having the most horrible nightmares three or four times a week, and up to seven a night. The dreams were trying to convince me that I was of no use just a hindrance to my family. They brought in family and friends long gone, or unrecognizable ghostly figures pulling me away from my sleeping body. The voices seem to stay with me for a while after waking, so vivid was the dreams.
My last nightmare was around a week ago, until then they never went more than two nights apart. The last bad dream started as usual reminding me of my lack of strength and ability to converse with people for any length of time, and how Andy and my girls would be much better of without me. Andy could get on with life with out me dragging him down and holding him back. Half way through the dream I stood up instead of cowering away and said, Stop! that's not true!. I woke shacking but I felt like a great weight had been lifted. Each night I'm still a little apprehensive about going to sleep but this is getting less and less, and know find my self having normal dreams again (well as normal has dreams can be).

Burglar Bill in the Studio

2008-07-21T17:57:00.007+01:00

One of my painting before it was redecorated.
Beginnings 2007 Oil on Canvas 60"x60"

If you have read some of my earlier posts you will know my studio has been closed up for over eight months. Recently it has been broken into, and Andy has taken me there to assess any damage or loss. We were told today the studio has been broken in to three times in the last couple of months, frustrating that we have only just been aloud access in to it. Children or youths were to blame at first, but it seems pretty clear adults are to blame. A number of my painting have been stolen, I should see it as flattering, But don't like the thought of Bill the Burglar having my paintings on his wall.
To make it look like children had been in they splattered purple paint at five or six of my painting coursing a some damage. Kids would have used a lot of different colour paints and probably straight from the tube. The paint was squeezed out on a table then thrown at the paintings. A prepared canvas had been sprayed painted on and one other painting, but in a half hearted and very casual way.
They stole some power tools, my CD player and a couple of unused canvases still in their packaging. One of my easels was damage while being used as a battering ram to try and get into the other studios.
All this make me feel that if children had been in they're would have compleatly trashed the place. All that paint in tins and tubes would have been so much fun in a empty building with no one to stop them.
The council representative (its a council owned building) said the police were not at all interested in the break in, nothing unusual there then. We have taken some of my paintings home and hope to collect some more soon, who knows where we are going to put them all. As for insurance I don't think I'm covered with the council.
The most upsetting thing for me is not what they have taken it's the vandalism of my work.

Good Time Lovely People

2008-07-21T02:58:00.007+01:00

It's 3am and I'm wide awake, so I thought I talk about Frank's (Andy's friend's) 50th birthday party. We arrived at Frank's with Andy's wonderful turkey pie ( Andy makes a fantastic turkey pie, Its like a pork pie only made with turkey instead)and some boozes. We had totally forgot it was his 50th, so didn't get him any thing special except the pie. They're that much going on in our live at the moment we did we turning up on the right day!
Frank and his family are lovely warm people, and their home was filled with lots of their friends and family, who we are slowly getting to know. Amongst his friends are Andy's mutual friend Paul and wife Linda.
I always look forward to seeing Paul and Linda, again very warm people. Paul has had a lot of health challenges over the last seven years, with symptoms very like my own. Talking to Paul helps me a lot because he truly understands how I feel, and I hope I do the same. Linda has had her share of problems as well, as she puts it I've not got much left that the hospital can remove. She makes a joke out of it but it must be worrying for them both.
We had a lovely time with lovely people and good food who could ask for more. Frank said he's going to give up his job in IT and doing a six months chefs course, something he's wanted to do for a while. He love good food so I think he will make a great chef, and look forward to sample some of his work. We had to leave early as I had total had it. We had been there for 2-3 hours, which was very good to say it was my first big gathering since my relapse in Feb. As soon as we got home I crawled straight into bed.

Isamu Noguchi Opening

2008-07-18T18:31:00.012+01:00

I had a wonderful day yesterday. Andy and myself went to the opening of Isamu Noguchi at Yorkshire Sculpture Park Nr Wakefield. What a wonderful exhibition, we will be going back very soon to see it again. Anthony Gormley introduced Isamu Noguchi work and declared it open. They're must have been 300 people invited on the day, so space around the work was limited. Isamu Noguchi sculpture are so tactile and full of gut feelings and work on themes that are an intrest to me. You need to spend quite a time with each one to get the most out of it, and then go back and get more, something you can't do when it's so crowded. I hope we can get back to see it in the next couple of weeks, may be have a picnic as well.
I worked at YSP for over ten years as resident sculptor and education officer along side sculptor Gary Cormack. It was lovely seeing my old colleagues and particularly nice seeing Gary as I have only seen him once since I had to retire three years ago through my illness.
Andy has a web-site and in his last post features Isamu Noguchi work in more detail. He would love you to visit his site. just click on to the creative Instint in my links near the top right of the page.

3am

2008-07-17T02:51:00.005+01:00

It's nearly 3am and I haven't had much sleep. I have had three nightmares already, they're like a dripping tap, and get on your nerves. I feel quite level headed but it seems my subconscious is a little screwed up. Looking on the bright side I did have two nights without night terrors. Tonight after waking up in a bit of a dreamy state my heart beating like mad. Our wonderful black cat Leah came in the cat flap with a bang. Then started to let out the most horrible almost talking meow, followed with some hissing and growling. Just what you need after a really bad dream. I managed to collect my self and went down stairs to see what was wrong, thinking another cat was trying to get in. Apparently she was just being silly no other cats around, not even Max. So I made a drink and brought my lap-top up to bed, and now have finish said drink I will try once more to get some sleep.

Glass Half Full Again

2008-07-12T21:47:00.006+01:00

We went to festival in Sheffield today with Jane, Andy, Finlay and Amber. Can't believe how cold it was for the middle of July. We had a lovely walk around the festival stalls, stopping at one tent where drums were being played. They're were three drummers inviting people to join in, Finlay was there like a shot, followed by Jane and the two Andys. The tent was full of about twenty drummers, it sounded very good to say it was mainly 'Joe Public' playing. On our way back to Jane's house, Finlay was in his push chair, and I in my wheelchair. Finlay looked at me and said " Grandma what's wrong"? I just said I'd been poorly. He's aways been used to me using a stick, but not in a wheelchair. What a deep question for a child of just over two, bless him.
Later on our way home we called at a shop. I went in by myself to buy some herb tea, to be able to do this was fantastic. Yesterday I felt like crying because my glass was half empty, today I feel like crying because its half full. What a difference a day can make.

A Glass Half Empty

2008-07-11T16:37:00.006+01:00

I was talking to John last week saying I never or rarely see my self as a glass half empty kind of person. I believe I'm a very lucky person, and that's true.
I had forgot that I do have my glass half empty days, and today is one of them.
The weather is bleak, I'm feeling very down and depressed. It's one of those days where you need to do something to get it out of your system. Something physical, a run or a brisk walk through the countryside. To do the kind of exercise that cleans the soul and burns out all the negative thoughts. I wish I had the energy, I'm so fed up! I feel like smashing something, and having a good cry. I hate days like these.

Home Alone

2008-07-07T11:07:00.008+01:00

Andy's gone to a conference in Leeds for a couple of days, he is presenting a introduction into well-being.
So I'm home alone, or so I thought. Ruth was on the phone talking to her dad yesterday, with a report on her charity walk in the Peak District(more about that later). After finding out he was away, she decided to come for a relaxing couple of days at home. In other words Mother Sitting! Bless she so good, they all are.
Ruth walk went well at first, she had to wrap up well because of the weather wasn't very good. Ruth suffers and I mean suffers from a very rear complaint, 'Cold Artilaria' which basically means if she get cold eg; cold rain, wind, snow or just cold she comes up in blisters her throat tightens so she can't breath very well ( a bit like a Asama Attack) and can go into anaphylactic shock. She takes a high level of antihistamines and some times if she goes into shock she needs to use a adrenalin pen administered.
The weather was against her this weekend. she walked 20 miles in cold rain and hail. So consequently had to be ambulance off through her condition, so was unable to finish. She was so upset as she was a good 40 minutes in front of the rest, unfortunately, this also meant she was very ill and waiting for help to arrive for that time.
She had done every thing right regarding the precautions she took, but the icy rain did it for her. But I think she should be commended for what she achieved under the conditions. Well done Ruth.

Next stop the marathon

2008-07-03T23:20:00.004+01:00

I've been on a expedition to day. It's our local council elections, and I went to put my x in the box. The big thing is I walked there and back in one, all 300-400 yards. A laughingly small distance for most, but for me a good walk. My legs were like jelly when I got back home, but I'm so pleased with my self. For my next trick a 400-500 yard marathon, they're no stopping me once I get started!

My First Big Day Out.

2008-07-01T12:02:00.012+01:00

Our cat Leah sunbathing.

We went out last Saturday afternoon to Andy's sisters (Debbie) house, near Lincoln (3 hours traveling, there and back).
This was a big deal for me, it's the first time I have been out visiting family. We had a lovely time sat on the patio watching Georgia 3 and Bonnie 2 play.
We had been looking forward for the time when we were able to visit family and friends. In the past after we have had some visitors or I have had a little outing, I have had to pay for it big time, a couple of days latter with a storming head ache and feeling very weak. I did feel weak this time, but only had a normal head ache.
This has opened up a new door for us to get out and about more, may be we will be able to baby sit our grand children soon. I would really like to do this, it would be good to let Jane and Andy 'A' go out for a meal or something. I'm so excited! I feel like a house cat who's found a way out, so much to explore. I mustn't get too carried away, slowly, slowly does it. Hopefully we will be able to visit Andy's other sister soon(Angie), and may be stop over, and see his brother as well (Rob) can't wait. I will truly know when I'm on the mend when we visit our daughter Viv in Edinburgh, and stop off at my sister's (Janet) in Newcastle. Oh so much to do!

More Liquorice Allsorts!

2008-06-30T13:27:00.004+01:00

Uncle David came on Saturday with a box of Liquorice Allsorts. If you read an earlier post I was having a mardy after David kindly bringing me a box of liquorice allsorts instead of chocolate as usual. He walked in with with another box of allsorts, I politely said thank you and put them down. David said "aren't you going to have one"? I said no I'll have one later. At least open them he said. 'Oh no' I thought, who has told him? I opened them not to upset him, and out popped a box of Maltesers. I then had to ask who had told him, he said I had. But how? He had read my blog! It serves me right, I will have to be careful what I write in future. Having said that, I got my chocolates back. Thank you David.

Hot Flushes a Woman Thing.

2008-06-25T22:22:00.008+01:00

I'm getting hot flushes, I hate it. It started a couple of weeks ago. I feel like a sweaty lump. I'm not taking it well at all, I'm not used to sweating. Even when I used to do keep fit and play squash I only ever had sweat on my head and sometimes neck. In the summer if it gets hot I tend to close down, my body just can't cope with the heat, and I end up with a very bad head ache. I learned if I wet my hair down or had a cool bath that would help, I suppose its like artificial sweat.
I've been looking on the web and they're lots of herbs and other concoction you can take for hot flushes. I think I will try the sage route. So we are off to the garden centre this week to buy a red sage plant, so I can make a sage tea. I will report back if it works.

A New Record 7 nightmares in one night

2008-06-23T11:12:00.019+01:00

A long Dark Dark night
Where hell holds firm
And there's little light

Come close come close and listen
let me take you to the west
Where the light are low and you can rest

Come to me and follow
to see and not been seen
hold hands with me to Valhalla
and no more may you dream

I don't really want to talk about my nightmares, but I needed to put down the essence of them. I know the poem needs a lot of work, maybe one day I will finish it. I hope not, you can dwell on things far too long. I feel much better for putting it down. I think I will go back to bed now and try and sleep, as last night I got so I was too scared too.

Don't count your chickens before their hatched or Never take anything for granted.

2008-06-21T15:56:00.006+01:00

As the saying goes, don't count your chickens before their hatched, comes to mind, or in this case maltesers. After a few days of chocolate fever David came with 'liquorice allsorts'. It's really good of him, but they're not chocolate and I really don't like allsorts they're far too sweet. I have been obsessed with a need for chocolate, but didn't give in I can wait until Saturday. David will come, he always brings me some chocolate usually Maltesers. Never take anything or any one for granted. I feel horrible I really should be grateful. But chocolate deprivation can bring the mardy side out of me, I feel like a child who's had their sweets taken off them. I think I have an addiction, I need help. But in the meantime Andy's gone to get chocolate, I do love him.

Misty Trees

2008-06-19T13:50:00.003+01:00

John Hobson Photography
Misty Trees

Just had to put this up.
This photo was made while on a long hike from North Berwick to Dunbar. By my soon to be son in-law John. He said the whole way was really misty and particularly so at that point, towards the Dunbar end.
What a beautiful almost ghostly image, I can feel the quiet and stillness . The image seems to come up and immerse you with it, I love it.
John has a link on this blog if you would like to see more of his work.

Back on the road again

2008-06-16T20:37:00.006+01:00

We are back on the road again. The reason it took so long is that when the fuel pump stopped working it blew the on board computer system. No wonder the mechanics couldn't pin point the problem. I'm just glad it's back and we can get out and do some visiting. We have been wanting to visit Andy's sister Debbie, her husband John and the little ones, as they have just moved to a new house.

Where's the butterflies? and bump goes the pigeon!

2008-06-15T20:27:00.012+01:00

xxxxxxx
It's Fathers Day, and Andy started the day with a card and a Swiss army knife from Vivyan and John, which is something Andy has fancied for a while.
Jane, Andy, A Finlay and Amber came today bearing beer for Andy, something Andy is always pleased to receive. Then they took us out to the Butterfly farm at Anston near where we live. It's a lovely place with plenty to see as long as you don't expect to see many butterflies. You could count all the butterflies on one hand!
Back home in time for Ruth to arrive. More presents, egg poacher? ( Andy has trouble poaching eggs) goodies and ingredients for her to cook a evening meal. A very nice day, it didn't start that way.
Andy was playing his guitar. He had promised his self an hours guitar before Jane came. He was having trouble playing as well as usual. He's having a lot of problems with his hands and wrists, their giving him a lot of pain. It started with me, I was in a talkative mood, and the phone never stopped ringing for him. At last hes got about fifteen minutes before Jane gets here, the phone rings again, the guitar gets thrown on the bed. Five or ten minutes left, the guitar out of tune from its landings, Arrrrrrrrrrr. He starts tuning it, the phone rings, he gives up!

As I'm typing up my post, Bang a young wood pigeon hits our bedroom windows. We rush out, the poor thing broke it's neck, and died in Andy's hands. It was a beautiful young bird, not yet got all it's adult feathers. We looked at the bed room window from outside and you can see the imprint of its body and wings. Quite beautiful in a way, a ghost print, the spread of its wings are much longer than you would expect. After a few moments of sadness holding the pigeon, looking at it, what a shame it just gets to an age where its self sufficient, Bump and its gone. As Andy looked at it for the last time saying what a waste, I said may be not, can't you eat it? Andy inspected its breasts, no its too young not enough meat on it!

Three Peaks Walk

2008-06-13T20:25:00.023+01:00

Peak experience: the view from Combs Edge in Derbyshire.
Photograph: Don McPhee.

My daughter Ruth, is doing a charity walk for Marie Curie on July 5th.
The challenge is to walk 26 miles over the three highest peaks of the Peak District in 10-12 hours. She personally would like to get it done in under 11. The views will be hard earned but fantastic. Plus she's just broken her ribs, but thankfully have three weeks to heal before she does the walk.

Please sponsor her www.justgiving.com/ruthleigh1
Thank you from Ruth

Have wheelchair will travel

2008-06-13T20:14:00.004+01:00

We went to collect my wheelchair today, in Ken's crawl/judder car.
So I am one step nearer to visiting family and friends plus a walk in the countryside or should I say a push in the country side. All we need is our car back, its been a long month without it.

Travel in style

2008-06-10T18:36:00.008+01:00

I've been to the pain clinic today, what a journey. The car we borrowed from Ken at the garage give us an interesting drive. We set off in plenty of time to get to the clinic for 1pm.
The journey was awful, every light at red, road works, very low on fuel, so had to go out of our way to find the petrol station, and only just in time. All this in a automatic that doesn't like changing gears. We finally arrived at the pain clinic nearly twenty minutes late.
The therapist seemed pleased with the little progress I am making, and gave me a few stretching exercises to do. So now I'm up to breathing and stretching. The good thing is I don't have to go back to the clinic, as she made me a telephone appointment. This means I can give her a up date of my progress over the phone, which means I don't use to much energy getting there, which makes a lot of sense.

Enjoyable Saturday

2008-06-07T22:23:00.004+01:00

I'm still not sleeping well and thought I might be a little tired after a busy day, but I don't feel all that bad considering.
The postman came this morning with a book I ordered last Wednesday. Joy, joy, happy, happy, (Ice Age Britain)I've glanced through and can't wait to read it. Then Uncle David called with a box of maltesers, naughty, naughty, I'm on a diet, yum, yum, in my tum.
This afternoon Angie and Harry came with the girls, baring gifts a plant with deep red flowers, cannot remember whats it's called but very beautiful. We had a lovely afternoon catching up, we don't see enough of them with me unable to travel far, and them having to keep visits short. But that will change as soon as we get the car back and I finally get the wheelchair. There's no rushing the social services, Andy going to ring them once again on Monday.
A good day and I'm really tiered you never know I might sleep through to night, I did a few weeks back I had six hours straight.

Fish, Chips & Mushy Peas.

2008-06-05T19:51:00.007+01:00

We had fish, chips and mushy peas for tea to night. I wished we hadn't bothered, for two reasons.
Reason Number one, I am supposed to be on a diet.
Reason number two, they were crap. Fish over cooked and anemic chips, the mushy peas were alright but we cooked them.
Andy had just come back from seeing if the car had been fixed yet, the answer to that is NO. the garage is having problems finding out exactly what's wrong with the bl****g thing.
They have loaned us a little automatic car, that finds it difficult to go up hills with any enthusiasm, but still it gets you from A to B. Having a car meant Andy could go and do the shop, having not been able to do a big shop for three weeks we needed a lot. This meant he wouldn't be back in time to cook.
We decided to have fish and chips for ease. The Admiral (fish & chip shop) have gone back to making poor chips and batter with fish. For a while the owner had left the cooking to some Serbian blokes, they couldn't half cook a mean fish and chips, wonderful some decent fries for once. The Admirals owner decided to retrain the fryers, big mistake, don't think we will go back.

What an head ache

2008-05-30T13:40:00.006+01:00

I'm still feeling weak legged after my sudden head pain on Tuesday, it just came out of the blue. I was talking to Andy when a sudden pain stuck the back of my head, followed a split second later at the front. I couldn't focus my eyes and they seemed to go in different directions. The Arnold Chiari strikes again. I was supposed to go to be going to the pain clinic, but ironically my head pain was to bad to go.
Later on Tuesday I found out my studio has been broken into, Andy's waiting for the council to get back to him, so he can check on the damage. As far as we know the youths who kicked my door down haven't damaged any of the paintings, but have redesigned my walls. We have yet to see if any of my tools have gone missing, we know they have squeezed out my oil paint tubes. I think we need to find some were safe to store my art work for the time being.

Jane & Andy 1st Wedding Anniversary

2008-05-27T11:08:00.015+01:00

Jane and Andy A have been married one year today.
Jane (our daughter) looks so beautiful there, especially on the photo to the right where Ruth our youngest daughter is giving her a kiss.
Its raining out side today, just like on her wedding day. On the run up to Jane and Andy getting married the weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm. on their wedding day the heavens opened. Jane had to be rushed out of the car umbrellas up, to try and protect her from the the sideways on rain. This didn't spoil the day it was magical. Lots of lovely family and friends, good food, and plenty to drink. In fact I remember her saying the other day, that there is still wine and beer left over from the wedding in the celler. Happy anniversary Jane and Andy.

Whats that caterwauling!

2008-05-25T22:37:00.006+01:00

Andy and my self were talking tonight about how we in general were discouraged from singing from a early age. Both of us would love to sing with out feeling to self conscious.
I know when I was a child I used to love singing and make up songs. then you get to an age where all of a sudden your family stop thinking how cute. they start saying stop singing you'll make it rain, what a racket and whats that caterwauling?
Ive done it myself no matter how good the singer if its one of your family our a friend a derogatory fraze is bandied about. With out thinking you crush the pure joy of singing out of that person.
I was in the church choir when I was eleven and enjoyed the power of the collective voice, even though at home I could no longer sing for fear of been ridiculed.
I remember singing a hymn in my bed room, one I was to practice ready for early morning song, the following Sunday. I sang thinking no one could hear. I heard my sister say "just listen to her". It might not have been said in the wrong way, but I heard it as, who does she think she is what a rotten voice. I slowly lost confidence and stopped singing in the choir.
Now at the age of 53 its very rare you will hear me sing. But if the house is empty or when I used to drive the car I can still belt out the odd song or two.

Every cloud has a silver lining?

2008-05-24T03:52:00.005+01:00

Its ten to four I've been awake since two thirty. I feel really down in the dumps, stressed and I'm aching. They say every black cloud has a silver lining, If that's so, where's mine?

Ignorance is Bliss

2008-05-23T18:45:00.007+01:00

This is a photograph of my little girl Ruth, out climbing in the peak district.
She's the one nearly at the top. I find it terrifying, I wished she hadn't sent it.
Ignorance is Bliss, as they say. I know Ruth goes climbing and she enjoys it and that enough for me.

Its got Brakes!

2008-05-22T09:16:00.003+01:00

I was talking to my Mum about the trouble I've been having getting my wheelchair. The social services where sending me a chair, little did I know the chair was to be one with little wheels. This is no good for walks in the country side, plus it wouldn't give me any Independence. Yes I know I can't wheel my self round with a self propelling chair, but at leased I can maneuver my self out of the way of people when needed, if I was left for a short time. So Andy's taking me to a mobility shop to look at some chairs as soon as the cars fixed.
Mum was telling me about her friends chair she said it was fantastic, and she will ask her friend where she bought it from. Yesterday she came in all excited with the news, Oh that chairs fantastic its got brakes and every thing. What a relief! bless.

Harry the Theoretical Vegetarian

2008-05-21T14:55:00.015+01:00

I've been surfing the net for images for a family blog site, when I came upon this cartoon. As soon as I saw this, it immediately took me back to when Angie (Andy's sister) first brought Harry (her husband then boyfriend) to meet us. Angie met Harry in Germany where she was working as a nurse in Ragensburge.
Harry is very lovable character and a caring person, who we all used to tease terribly.
Angie and Harry were coming for dinner, Harry said he was a vegetarian.
No problem, a veggie alternative was prepared. We sat down to eat, Harry started to fill his plate with meat, I said “I thought you were vegetarian”? Harry's reply in a strong German accent “yes I am, the only meat I eat is of animals that eat vegetables”. We do love him.
Harry was taught English at school and speaks it well, although he had some strange ideas of British life styles and especially how British home were decorated. From the books in his school, he was under the impression we had carpets or some kind of rugs on the walls of our houses. Strange what kind of things get taught in schools some times, it makes me wonder what I was taught about other cultures.
I'm sorry Harry, if you happen to read this just one more from our first meeting.
Harry and Angie had stayed over and were washing the breakfast pots. Harry noticed a pot in the window with tea bags in. (we compost our tea bags) Harry "why have you old tea bags in the window"? Angie " Oh that's because we use them again in England" Harry "Oh" with a look of bewilderment. Andy and Harry then went out to the shops, for what I can't remember. On their return Angie and my self had pegged up all the old tea bags on the washing line out side. Harry puzzled glanced at the tea bags, Andy looked at us with a 'you wicked sod's kinda look'. Back indoors, Me,"Harry would you like a cup of tea"? Harry very hesitant "Yees please, Can I have a new tea bag please" he said very politly. I'm not sure when he cottoned on to our little antic, but it was after they left.
Poor Harry, he now gives nearly as much as he receives.

A moment in the mouth

2008-05-19T19:46:00.005+01:00

I started a diet last Monday. I weighed in at 12st 6lbs, and over the last week have lost the fantastic amount of 0 lbs, not being able to exercise or doing any thing much doesn't help, you can't call making the odd cup of coffee exercise. At least I haven't put any weight on which is a blessing.
I found a wonderful photo on the web, when I look at it, it reminds me of a saying. A moment pleasure in the mouth and a life time on the hips! I don't think that lady had heard of the saying, but she seems happy and that's all that matters really. I might put the photo up on the goodies cupboard door with the saying as a caption!
I need to lose around 20lbs to feel and look better, all the extra weight I'm caring can't be helping my stamina not to mention my back and knees.

Storm in a teacup!

2008-05-18T08:55:00.011+01:00

Things don't half seem to pile up at once. Things are tight with me being ill for so long. But luckily we don't need much to keep me and Andy happy. They re does seems to be a lot of family challengers going on as well. One of my daughters seems to be taking things bad, but really she's just going through normal stuff with a young family. she needs to take a deep breath and look at all the good stuff, they both do. My Sister is very up set. Her daughter has lost her business. All this and so much more.
One thing though we paid off the car this month it's now ours! It's just had a service last month a MOT and a new and expensive clutch. At least we don't have to worry about that for a while, we might keep it for another year, save the money from the monthly payments for other stuff. Great! Fantastic! Breath a sigh of relief!
WRONG! the bloody thing cut out on Andy last Thursday. It just stopped, Andy called out the recovery people who spent 3/4 hour on it, to be told I think its the fuel pump? The ******* car is in the car park waiting to be picked up by the local garage. God know how much this is going to cost. We had one estimate quote; " If its the fuel pump ssss its going to cost you. sssss the pumps around £500 and the if the cylinders need doing, sssssss well that a couple of hundred each then there's labour. sssss its going to cost ya!". Some how we didn't trust him I don't know why!
So it any one guess how much!
As the saying goes at least we got our health.
It will all turn out well I'm sure, it usually does. After all in the sceem of things, its just a little storm in a teacup.

Birthday Girl

2008-05-15T11:07:00.004+01:00

Monday the 12th of May my 53rd Birthday!
It started off with the opening of Birthday cards and presents. Ruth was here and she had brought me a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a box of chocs yum yum! Vivyan and John sent a bottle of very very nice smelly, which I put on immediately.
After a quick slice of toast, it was straight to Auntie Irene's to drop Sylvia off (Sylvia Andy's Mum). Auntie Irene is lovely but you can't stay long because she is a heavy smoker and the house takes your breath away if you aren't used to it.
Next a trip to see Professor Venibles (neurologist) at the hospital, I know how to have a good time on my birthday!
What a waste of time! When we saw the proff he said "why have you come I said I didn't need to see you again in hospital". my replay was "I know I came because your secretary sent a letter telling me to". So not to wast our time we asked him for a prognosis, he told me he couldn't give me one. He did say that the up and downs I have been having will continue and the lack of energy is a part of it. So nothing new except I know what to expect with the Arnold Chiari.
Again the conversation and energy used to get to see the proff made my legs like jelly, yes a wheelchair was needed yet again.
We lunched on mardy food, good old fish and chips! Nothing better.
After a good rest my birthday was back on track. Andy took me to a local garden centre to buy me some tropical fish for my birthday. The garden centre has wheelchairs so Andy wheeled me from the car around the centre, were we bought fish, a hat each and some gardening hand tools that my Uncle David was buying me. Then extremely tired but happy back home.
Andy helped me from the car to the house, when we arrived there was a very big bunch of flowers waiting from Andy's Sister (Angie), her husband Harry, and the girls Hannah, Colette, Leonie and Kitty. It of course caused a tear or two, it was so nice of them. I do miss them all, can't wait until I'm a little better and can be visited, or better still visit all our brothers and sisters. I spent the rest of the day in bed as my eyes were going in different directions, wobbly legs that was having trouble holding me up and a rotten head ache. There I had to stay for a couple of days, the only exception a trip to the doctors.
All worth it I had a lovely birthday, shame about the trip to the hospital though, but never mind.

Fun with Finlay

2008-05-14T09:46:00.020+01:00

We had Finlay on Sunday, while his mum and dad went to a wedding. What a treasure he was as good as gold. We put a child's gazebo up for him with his road carpet so he could play with his cars, he was very excited by it and said it was a den. he spent most of the morning in there playing.
Andy who had been playing golf came in just after Finlay arrived. My Mum came up to help with Finlay until Andy got home, as my health not quite good enough to be left for long in case I tire my self out playing with him. As usually Sunday morning means bacon or sausage buttie, you can't hide your working class roots, and I don't want to any way. On hearing his grandad say, "any one for a bacon sandwich", Fin got straight in his little garden chair ready for a sandwich that boy can eat. he's only just two but what an appetite.
Around twelve Andy went to pick his Mum up from the railway station as she had come to Sheffield to stay with her sister for the week, but was staying with us for the night. It's always interesting having the two Mums together.
Andy had just left when Finlay decided it was lunch time. He said Mom-mar Fish finger beans please, he's so cute. after lunch he rubbed his eyes and said nap, so off to bed he went, for two and a half hours! I joined him for most of that time.
The afternoon was magical. The garden looked like a kinder garden toys every where.
My mum had gone home for a couple of hours for a rest from competing with Sylvia (Andy's Mum). It was lovely to see Sylvia enjoying watching Finlay play has she sees very little of him, as she lives on the east coast.
The peseta resistance for Fin was when Andy put out the Paddling pool! he loves water. After helping his grandad to fill the pool they both got in a splishy, sploshy time was had with exceptional amounts of splashing with their legs. I was quite envious but really enjoyed watching them with Sylvia, I took lots of photos.
the day was topped of with a lovely paella Andy cooked, my Mum came back up, and Ruth came and stayed over night.
Jane, Andy A and of course little Amber came to pick Finlay up, and manage to stay for a hour or so. A wonderful end to a lovely day.

It's now official!

2008-05-13T09:25:00.006+01:00

I'm absolutely bushed, and back in bed. After a lovely couple of days and a visit to the hospital yesterday plus a trip to the doctors this morning. This mornings trip to the doctors was with knee problems, it's now official I have arthritis in my knees, and I have just had a steroid injection under my knee cap for the pain. The next blog is on a brighter note, what a wonderful time I had on Sunday and Monday afternoon.

Laid Awake

2008-05-09T02:48:00.008+01:00

I'm laid awake its ten to three, I have really tried to get some sleep. I had about 1/2 an hour but woke up having had a bad dream. But can't get to sleep through muscle spasms and trapped wind under my breasts. Thank god for my laptop. I have been surfing trying to find out stuff like: what are those wire worm like things in the garden soil? I now know they're snake centipedes. Is there a Time Bank in Sheffield? No but there's one in Chesterfield. The Beiderbecke Trilogy on DVD, Andy said he looked on Amazon and they only had it on VHS. Found it, brill! Amazon has it on DVD on offer plus free posting, I might buy my self that for my birthday. Looked for a blackbird image, found a albino blackbird or should I say a white-bird image. Isn't it beautiful. It's ten past four, Ive still got trapped wind and my legs are busy, but I must try and get some sleep! I think I will go and get some mint tea that might help. the Rennie's didn't. back in bed tea in hand, while making the tea I remembered about the Indian Brandy in the cupboard, what fantastic stuff its working already. The Robin is singing his little heart out, what a beautiful sound, he will soon be accompanied with the other birds. I love the dawn chorus. Yes the blackbird has just joined in, marvelous.

Andy's Book

2008-05-08T18:41:00.007+01:00

I have been reading Andy's book again, he wrote it a few years ago and is still waiting to be published, I really wish he'd make time to look through it again and send it off to some publishers. It's a very compelling book it only took me a couple of day to read it I just couldn't put it down. What surprised me was while reading it I forgot Andy had wrote it, that's got to show its worth.
Set in the last recession Hugh and Erica are back on the council estate were they started from, after moving slowly up the property ladder to a house where they thought they be comfortable for the rest of their lives. Hugh had lost his job during the recession, after some time out of work he found a menial job at a recycling plant. While Erica worked at a clothing factory. Their lives and the lives of their two sons, friends and collagues, have a mixture of love, lust, loyalty, sadness and hope. While running along side Hugh's fascination of a piece of waste ground near his work. I love the way he captures the power and life with in that small but significant area of ground. I wish I was more able to rite a review of this book. You will just have to wait until he finally gets it published, and judge it for your selves. Unfortunately it still needs a title, the working title is Whistling Hendrix a very good title but doesn't really fit it.

Bank Holiday Weekend

2008-05-07T21:06:00.009+01:00

Our bank holiday weekend started on Friday 2nd of May. Friday as usual Jane came with Finlay and Amber. Amber was unwell to say the least. She was in a lot of pain and could not feed very well, and seemed to find it painful when she was picked up, bless her. Jane rang and made a emergency appointment with the doctor who said Amber had a nasty virus. Poor Jane and Amber has had a horrible weekend but thankfully Amber is feeling a lot better today (Wednesday). Later on Friday night Vivyan and John came down from Edinburgh It was lovely seeing them, I have mist Vivyan. They stayed over night and went to see friends Saturday until Sunday.
Saturday tea time we had a visit from uncle David, (He's not really my Uncle He's my Dads cousin).David was very upset because BT (British Telecom) had cut of his phone for no apparent reason. Because he is very deaf he couldn't ring BT on a ordinary pay phone, so he could not find out what was wrong. So 80 year old David came to us for help. To cut a very very long story short. He was cut of last Tuesday 29th April, his neighbour rang BT to ask why, and when he could be reconnected, BT promised to reconnect David on Thursday when that failed, again for Saturday. That brings him to us on Saturday tea time. Any way BT said he would be connected by Tuesday at the latest. Wrong, we had another visit Tuesday tea time, his phone was still cut off. By this time he had got the hole situation out of perspective. He was in a very black mood in deed, he talk about suicide if his phone wasn't put back on soon, A bit dramatic one would think, but he feels very vulnerable with out communication, mainly his computer and of course the telephone for emergencies. Andy managed to calm him down, which wasn't easy. To day he back on line and a lot happier thank god, or should I say thank Andy has it was him who put a lot of time and effort in to it.
Moving back to Sunday Jane came down with the children she looked tired but then she would as Amber was still quite poorly, and Jane was having to coupe with it all because Andy her husband was out of the country. At least she manage a hours sleep while she was here. Later Vivyan and John came back. Monday was a lovely day, we had a lazy start to the day, the weather was quite hot and sunny, we had our lunch out side. Andy had made fresh chick pea bread and humus, we had Bree, olives, butter for the bread of course, cherry toms all washed down with a child bottle of rose`wine. Good conversation and good food always make a perfect lunch. after lunch Andy, Vivyan and John played boules, while I took the scores. A good time was had by all. Vivyan was very happy as she had beat the men over all, and did her victory dance, of course!
I did think a lot about Ruth this weekend, she was in Cornwall being fitted for a bridesmaid dress for a friends wedding, which is nice, but being selfish it would have been good to have them all together.
I can't believe how much was happening around me over the last weekend and I've come out of it tiered but not too bad at all, this is promising. It must be helpful that I am getting a better nights sleep, I've not managed another six hours yet though.

Mr Heron

2008-05-03T13:38:00.004+01:00

Mr Heron has made another call.
Last week I started to feed the fish in the pond with frozen blood worms as a treat. The fish soon realised when I went to the pond and they saw my shadow, that meant food. What I didn't realise was that in doing this, I was preparing them to come to the surface every time they saw any shadow. Great, this meant when Mr Heron came for a visit earlier this week, the fish came up hoping to get some food. Little did they expect that they were on the menu! I feel so guilty training them for their demise by Heron. Sorry little fishies.

Six hours sleep

2008-05-02T18:31:00.002+01:00

I've slept, after over four months not sleeping through pain and nightmares I have finally slept. Bring out the champagne, a toast to the wonderful nothingness of a good sleep. I had six full glorious hours of sleep! Fantastic, roll on tonight here's hopeing for another good night.

Swallows

2008-04-27T18:26:00.005+01:00

Sunday afternoon and we have seen our first swallows of the year. Summer must be on its way.

Wormy Nightmares

2008-04-27T04:06:00.009+01:00

3;45am I'm fed up and pist off with nightmares. 4-5 nights out of seven are spatted with nightmares and sometimes 3-4 a night, at the moment quite a few are worm related. I hate worms and at one time I had a complete worm phobia. I couldn't;t even say the the word worm, at best they were referred to as them things usually shuddering. It has been known in the past for me to go in to hysterics at the sight of them. When my nephew Ray was little he thought it was hilarious to bring in a worm from the garden for Auntie Lynda. On a couple of occasions I ran up stairs and locked my self in the bathroom, and passed out behind the door in terror. I've had to be piggy backed back from the pub before now, when it rained and the worms were on the path. I can remember not long after I had met Andy we had been to a club, (luckily for Andy not far from where he lived) it had been raining and the ground was covered in worms. The poor man didn't know what he was letting him self in for. He had to carry me up a steep hill to his flat, while I panicked.
Our grand son Finlay loves digging in our garden for wriggly worms! with his grandad, luckily he hasn't yet shared his enthusiasm with me. It has taken me years to be able to say the word worm and to be able to see one with out having dickey fits.
I just remembered, when Vivyan was little, I had walked up the garden and was looking at some flowers when a worm crawled over my foot! I screamed ran in and put my foot under the hot water tap. I burnt my foot under the red hot water as it ran over my foot, trying to get rid of the wormy feeling. I only stopped because it was time to fetch Vivyan from school. I walked sobbing like a fool all the way to school a good mile away. Having got to school all blotchy and still sobbing, the other mums tried to find out what was wrong, the only thing I could get out was tell you tomorrow. They must have though something bad had happened to Andy. Luckily my old neighbor and worm remover Lynn was there collecting her son Ian. She took one luck at me and said "is it them things again", to which I just nodded. She was then able to put the other Mums minds a rest, and nip in the bud Andy's demise.
Hopefully I can nip in the bud this trend of nightmares before my phobia comes back! and go back to my normal night terrors, whats normal about having so many bad dream I don't know, but again Ive nether been all together normal any way!

Birthday Hams and a Laptop

2008-04-25T21:38:00.014+01:00

It's 2:30am. just woke from my second nightmare, that and the pain down my arm is keeping me awake.
Its my Mums 85th birthday today! I would have normally made her a cake but again this year I can't, the best I can make her is a cup of coffee, I wonder if a candle will float? Janet my Sister has cooked a ham, can you have a birthday ham, and if so will it hold 85 candles?
Janet and Mike, (Mike's my bro-in-law) came down from New Castle yesterday, Mum's going up for a couple of weeks on Sunday.
It was good seeing Janet I wish I could have spend more time with her. We get on well and have a laugh, but I get so tied when I talk for any length of time.
Jane and the children are coming down today, while my Andy and Andy, Jane's husband do a few jobs at Jane's. (Their getting their house ready to put up for sale). Plus Jane wants to see her Gran on her birthday. All these activities around me will take its toll on me, but worth it.
I have spent a some of time over the last two days bulling Andy, getting him to sort out a second hand laptop, and help me to put mahjong and card games on it ready for my Mums birthday. Hope she likes it. Unfortunately I can't work out how to get a mouse to work along side it. Which Mum needs, as she has a shaky hands and can't use a touch pad. We will have to work on it when she comes back from New Castle.

Last Exams

2008-04-22T03:04:00.007+01:00

My 3am post. I'm laid here hot water bottle under my shoulder trying to ease some pain. Thinking of good things.
Yesterday, Monday Vivyan had her last exam thank god. It's been hard on her but she has done incredibly well. She suffers far to badly with migraines, especially when under stress. So needless to say she's had quite a few of late. The doctors have given her some low dose beta blockers to help to control this, I not heard of this before a trip to the web is in order. See ya soon.
I'm back just read about beta blockers and migraines. Apparently they don't know why beta blockers work for migraines but it does. people who suffer with high blood pressure are given beta blockers as we know. people who have blood pressure and migraines are found to have less or no migraines after taking beta blockers. That's brill! I also read that people who have Asama should not take beta blockers. Vivyan has Asama I will mention this next time we talk, I need to no that her doctor has taken this in consideration, I'm sure they have but better to be safe.
Any way she nearly done the masters, roll on the PhD. Dr Viv at your service. Well done my little darling.

Every thing has its purpose

2008-04-19T03:33:00.000+01:00

oh flip!!! its 3:30am I'm shattered but the pain in my side and arm keeps wakening me up! That and I'm missing my dad. He give me a hug and say, "never mind everything will be alright soon, and every thing has it purpose".
I love his hug right now, even his for every thing no matter what reassurances.
I would have to ask though how soon and what possibly can be the purpose? Never mind I get a warm feeling just thinking about him, and may be he his with me right now, I hope so.

Will Andy need L plates?

2008-04-16T23:23:00.000+01:00

One of those middle of the night posts.
I when to the pain clinic today. Pain clinic it sounds like some where you go to get pain, not pain relief!
Any way I will not see an immediate change in pain levels. The way I read it is they can't cure this kind of pain, I have to learn ways of reducing its level, by at first total relaxation. We talked about different methods to relax, and was given deep breathing exercises to do three times a day. This will help me and my body to totally relax and in doing this help to readjust the way my body's pain receptors work. All very complicated.
I confronted a big step in my physical self today. After walking from the car park to the clinic, I was tired. Then after talking which I find just as tiring if not more so when I have to concentrate, I was totally bushed (had it, kaput)and later in a lot of pain). Andy had to borrow a wheel chair to get me back to the car! This made me realise that I need to use a chair at the moment if I want to go any where. I felt very self conscious sat in the chair, it felt like people might think, she looks healthy enough to walk the lazy cow!
This brought me to think, because you can't see the physical health problems I have, and because Ive always tried to hide/put on a show to cover the pain and fatigue, only a few people realize what I'm going through. Dose it really matter what people think, when I'm sat in a wheel chair. So off with the old and on with the new confident this is who I am at this time! And let people think what they want, the only people that really matter I think already understand and if they don't that's their problem. I do feel sorry for Andy though he's the one pushing! do you think he needs L plates?

Hand Rails, Wheel Chairs and Stair Lifts?

2008-04-16T00:08:00.000+01:00

Corrine a occupational therapist from the social services came to see me today. She came to see if I need any equipment or any other help. I have had as few problems coming to terms with my health and especially my lack of stamina.
She measured the steps out side our back door ready to fit a hand rail. which will be useful especially in winter as they can get very slippy. We also talked about a wheel chair for when I go out. This was very difficult, I know it makes sense it just, well doesn't feel right. In my head I'm able to walk, in reality I can't walk far, consequently it means that we don't go out any where. So a wheel chair is on its way. It will be very trying using it at first, and I will only use it when I have no other option, and I've got to face it at the moment I have no other option. The last thing Corrine suggested was a stair lift for the times that I am feeling very weak or having balance problems. She's probably right, but I need more time to think about it, its all a bit much at the moment.

Old LPs for Sale

2008-04-15T14:42:00.000+01:00

I'm laid on the bed listing our old LPs for sale. You don't realise how attach you get to inanimate objects. It like listing old memories, all most like looking into the past through a window. Each LP holds a hazy image. Some like the Zeppelin, Uriah Heep, Bowie and many other albums, you can feel the energy of that era in your life. I feel a bit sad that we are parting with them, but they must go, we just haven't the room, or some thing to play them on. At least we have most on CD now and being realistic I don't think about them much only when going through them like this. We must have been careful because most of the vinyls are like new and covers are at worst are good not bad to say the majority are 30 years old or more. Any way back to it still have nearly a ton to do.

What can one do!

2008-04-13T05:42:00.000+01:00

What can one do! Its a quarter to six, woke up in pain at one thirty. Can hardly keep my eyes open, but my muscle will not let me sleep! May be after the next lot the pain killers will do the job. Only one and a half hours left to wait before I can have some more. Roll on Wednesday when I go to the pain clinic.

Finlay pot washer extraordinaire

2008-04-12T19:01:00.000+01:00

I couldn't resist putting this photo of my grandson up. When I came across it in the photo album on my computer, it reminded me of before I got ill this time. Finlay around 20-22 months loved to help with the pots, something he still likes to do but doesn't get the chance. First thing he said when seeing the dishes was "bib on". He would take you to where the aprons are hung, and want his apron on and I would have to put mine on too. I'm not sure which place had the most water, the sink bowl or the floor? but the dishes he washed were washed well with lots of rubbing with the wash sponge and rinsed in the water time upon time. When he had finished he always wanted to start again and was not very happy when we said no.

Mesolithic Man and Me

2008-04-12T15:25:00.000+01:00

I have a love of archaeology especially stone age Britain. the most interesting part of the stone age is for me the Mesolithic (middle stone age, around 6,-10,000 years ago). While looking at a TV program on early bronze age, Andy said "isn't this one your favorite time periods?" "Well yes ish I prefer the Mesolithic times I think" He when on to ask why then whats the different about that time to the rest of the stone age?
With out writing an essay on middle stone age, its hard to put in a nut shell what fascinates me. We know in Paleolithic man (early stone age man) used stone axes, and Neolithic man used polished stones. The Mesolithic man used stone tools and flint blades, some used arrow heads of flint. A mixture of flint and bone where all used for hunting. This age we might think of as a time of human savagery and hunger. But I don't think it was any more savage than what was to come, The Dark and middle ages must have been one of the most barbaric times in British history. Any way back to the middle stone age.
The knowledge of the country's food calendar and what was good to eat is know lost. Some evidence shows we ate lots of thing that know would not even enter our minds to eat. Yes we think of some foods that were eaten then like nuts and berries, deer, and wild pig. What about otter, guillemot, beaver Aurochs(a large wild bull like animal with horns the size of elephants tusks!)plus roots and acorns! all these have been found on Mesolithic sites around Britain. I live very close to one of these sites, only 4-5 miles away, Cresswell Crags. An age was named after this site, 'the Creswellian age' used by the last of the nomadic people after the last ice-age.
Also at cresswell it has been found that people have been using the caves there for over 50,000 years. In 2003 cave painting were uncovered when a group of potholers were mapping the uncharted caves. These paintings are the first example of Paleolithic cave art in Britain.
Go back to Mesolithic Man I think were quite complex and held a vast amount of knowledge of not only what was good to eat but where and when to find it. The tools used were also very complex, flints were used very much like a modern tool kit to day. Flints were napped to make razor sharp knives, spears and could be used to bore holes in wood, and many more uses. Totally fascinating era which we know so little of and I know next to nothing. I think if I could have my time over again and could change one thing besides my health, I would have studied Archaeology and looked into this time frame in British history. I wouldn't let a little thing as dyslexia worry me. I'm sure I would have still made art as well, it would be interesting to think how more knowledge of stone age Britain may have influenced my work.

Doughnuts yum! yum!

2008-04-11T20:51:00.000+01:00

I love and it has to be said crave doughnuts. Not the fancy type with cream and nuts or fruit or the jammy and custard ones, no the straight forward ring doughnut with a light sprinkling of sugar. Last night I couldn't sleep through muscle pain and head ache. Nothing unusual there, but all night I was craving doughnuts! Warm sweet slightly crunchy on the out side with light sweet bread middle. I could imagine the smell as they cooked. I can almost taste their yummyness(That may be a new word). There's nothing for it Andy my love will have to purchase me some tomorrow before I start hallucinating. I used to make doughnuts when the girls were young, them and lots of other goodies like cake and scones.
Doughnuts have been on my mind for a week or so now and I know it will not go away until I have had my fill. Last night if I had the energy I would have made a batch and probably eaten the lot so bad was my craving. It's hard to get a decent tasting doughnut around where we live, Sainsbury's are the closest yet still not right. The best shop made ones it has to be said reluctantly are from a little ice-cream come doughnut stall in Mapplethorpe a sea side town on the Lincolnshire coast.
May be I could incorporate it into my art? Yes I can imagine a performance piece, Me a doughnut machine plenty of doughnut mixture a fryer and sugar for dredging the doughnuts. At the end of the performance I will sit in a arm chair watching a old black and white film eating the doughnuts with a cup of coffee. Any art lover want to sponsor me I will oblige just need an assistant to do the work! I'll eat the doughnuts.

Peed Off !

2008-04-09T10:15:00.000+01:00

I'm really peed off, I don't know how much more I can take.
Yesterday was a particular bad pain day. I had a seriously crushing head ache front and back that made me feel nauseous, my muscles never stopped spasming with twisting and pulsing with pain, my joints were also giving it some. And to top it all a trip to the loo set of my sciatica down both legs. Today I just feel like Ive been run over with a bus, so all in all felling a lot better!

Big Day Out

2008-04-06T23:28:00.000+01:00

I've been out to day for the first time in six weeks, not counting a visit to the doctors. We/I need some veg seed for our square foot garden. (Andy made me two raised beds last year so I can grow veg, and has promised to make one more bed this year).
It felt a little strange getting ready for a trip out to the garden centre. We chose one not to far from home, because we didn't want me to get to tired on my first trip out, plus the seeds are just inside the door. We pulled up near the entrance to the garden centre it was not far to walk, but for me I could really feel it. I got most of the seed I needed but couldn't believe they don't sell sugar snap peas whats the world coming to! Made it back to the car my legs felt like jelly. The walk from the car to the front door of our house seemed a long way, my muscles in my legs were not happy. We were out for under an hour most of that traveling, I feel like I've had a full day out. I am shattered.
Ruth came and we have had a nice quite night, watched a film and ate to many chocs and ice-cream.
Hope Andy's enjoying his night out he's gone to see Wishbone Ash a seventies rock band. Seems very strange him staying out for the night at a friends house.
I'm laid in bed trying in vain to get to sleep. The pain in my muscles and joints have other ideas. I think their protesting to me going out. It funny when we were driving home from buying the seeds, I said to Andy I didn't realise how ill I must have been. It occurred to me that even though I am an out side kind of person I nether thought of going any where! My energy is so low that I just didn't think of it. Every thing I do I have to plan from making coffee to having a bath, and I can't bathe without Andy being close to hand. At least I now can wash my own hair and get out of the bath by myself most of the time using my stick for balance. such progress!

Viv, Ruthie and Mr Heron

2008-04-05T10:24:00.000+01:00

I been thinking a lot about ViV our eldest and Ruth the youngest daughter over the last couple of weeks.
Viv lives in Edinburgh with her fiance John. I'm missing her a lot, she rings and we email a lot but a cuddly whats needed. She is nearing the end of an environmental MA, and specialising in lichens. This is so Viv, when she was ten she gave a talk in assembly to her school on mycology (toadstools and mushrooms to most). In her mid teens rivers flow and how it effects the land scape was her thing. We couldn't go for a walk near a river without been told how it had formed that way. She totally immerses her self in her study, it worries me that shes going to burn her self out.
Having said that when the pressures off she knows how to party. Really can't wait to see her and John in May when they come home for a few days.
Ruthie we see every week and rings most days she tends to worry a lot about me. Andy's of to a gig on Sunday and staying over night at a friends. Ruth has decided that she wants to come and stay, have a girls night in. In other words she's coming to mother sit! just in case I'm ill again. Cotton wool and wrapping come to mind. I don't care it will be great to have her to my self for the night shes such a wonderfully bubbly person unless tired then very snappy person but still lovely with it. I have a feeling face pack a bottle of wine, chocs or ice-cream and a film may be the order of the night, shame I can't drink the wine because of the tablets I'm on, then again could have an interesting effect! probably sleep well? better not might sleep to well if you know what I mean. I wish Ruth could find a fulfilling job. She studied hard and has worked in her specialist field (film producer) as a producers assistant and made short films. Her Last job took her to a Edinburgh film company, who promised her a active roll. What she got was a generally a desk job not as advertised at all, she was better off in London. She left and came back to Sheffield. This is brill but media work is almost none existence in Sheffield. She has work which pays the bills but not at all what she's looking for. Ruth needs stretching, work that involves good organisation something that's shes very good at.
Pond News We have a beautiful, beautiful Heron that's visiting our pond, in fact he's been twice today. It looks so graceful and surprisingly big, it a shame it eaten my goldfish! and probably other fish as well. What a naughty birdie. I was worried about how many tad poles the goldfish would eat nether thought about it getting eaten. The dilemma is now shall I get another goldfish? I think may be I will the tad-poles will have to take cover. Talking about cover I've put some old plant pots in the bottom of the pond for the fish to hide under until the pond weeds grow back, talk about closing the barn door after the horses fled!

Happy Birthday

2008-04-04T19:46:00.000+01:00

Its Andy's 54th birthday, and for the next one month, one week and one day I will be reminding him I'm two years younger than him. I really enjoy teasing him about it, and over the next thirty eight days I be doing just that. I don't think it really bothers him but he plays along any way, it pleases me no end.
Jane and the grandchildren came to day bearing gifts. Finlay has been practicing singing happy birthday, in a way only a two year old can, and of course helped his Grandad to blow out the candles on his cake. Andy did well with the cards this year, he usually gets quite a few. This year most of the cards where hand made by the sender which is fantastic.
I can't believe Andy is fifty-four and I'm fifty three this year. We met when I was seventeen and Andy eighteen. His opening lines were unusual but obviously worked "I have two Led Zeppelin tickets". What he neglected to tell me was that only one was his! very sleigh indeed. If I knew then what I know now I would do exactly the the same, its been good.

I'm just going down the street love.

2008-04-03T11:46:00.000+01:00

I'm just going down the street love, I'll not be long.
Andy's just gone out to see if the car has past its MOT. Its had to have the clutch replaced as well, who knows how much that will be. That's a daft thing to say the garage will know exactly how much, and so will Andy very soon.
I'm just going down the street, nothing wrong in that. But the idea of just going down the street for me to do is like saying I'm just off to climb Mount Everest love I'll not be long. I sound full of self pity, its not its just frustration!
I'm not taking the last episode of my illness very well at the moment I have a lot of readjusting to do. The who am I question keeps whirling around in my head. How much more as Andy got to put up with, I feel a bit like a cook-co chick all take and no give. I know he doesn't think that way. I will start helping around the house more as soon as I can and pick up my life again. Whats in the back of my mind is the thought of but for how long? I need to take a realistic look at my self. Yes I will probably be knocked back to square one again it a part of my condition. Do I have to sit back and say well that's it, not bloody likely. Life is for living and I going to do it! It may take a while to get some energy and my pain under control but I will.
Andy's just come in, he has no idea how much the car will be, it was just having the engine put back in!

Painting my Final Frontier?

2008-03-31T00:48:00.000+01:00

Its ten to one and sleep is a million miles away. Still got three weeks to go before I go to the pain clinic. I have to get some help with this none stop pain, and I need to sleep! I know I said I wasn't going to mention my lack of sleep, but that and the pain is getting me down.
I have been here before not really knowing whats in front of me health and energy wise. I think about my studio and wonder is it worth keeping on? Am I ever going to be able to sustain any length of time practicing my art? If I give up my studio will I be giving up on who I am? Who would I be? And where on earth would I put all the stuff in my studio any way. I have sculptures in there that are over five feet tall and one nearer nine foot plus countless paintings.
It would make life less complicating though, I wouldn't have to worry about getting to my studio. It would be nice not to worry about studio fees and the heating, will it ever get fixed. Not to think about finding some where nearer home or putting some kind of shed in the garden. I really don't want a shed in the garden, the garden just not big enough for the size of shed I need.
Could I be happy not making art? Should I give it up for a while and see how it goes?Or just wait and see? A answer may be just around the corner.
Andy I know will help me with these questions, but for now I need time to think. Is this my final frontier?

walking, holding hands and feeding the soul

2008-03-29T23:03:00.000Z

Sat watching coast (a TV program about the coast of the British Isles)with Andy tonight. It made us quite sad, not the program its self but how much we used to enjoy and value our long walks in the country and around the coast. Through my illness we not done much walking in the last ten- fifteen years. Over the last three years or so we haven't done any. I keep fooling myself into thinking may be in a few weeks when I'm feeling stronger, we will. I really know there's little chance of me ever walking very far. The top of the garden is as far as I can manage at the moment and that tires me!
Its great to sit the night before going out for a good long walk, looking at maps, drinks in hand, deciding where to go. Next morning early rug sack packed with water profs, packed lunch and other essentials. You arrive at your chosen spot energised and full of anticipation, boots on and off you go. I love walking in the Peak District best of all we can get there within a hour at most. The country side fills your soul with it beauty, its so ore inspiring. There's so much to see and every season brings its own glory.
This as made me think of years ago. We were a part of a group of people interested in natural history and we all meet in the Peak District in early March. The program for the day was to make a line across a mapped out area and walk across the Moors counting Hears. It had been snowing for a few days and the moors where covered in a thick blanket of snow. In some places it was as high as the styles that when over the stone walls around five feet deep! This didn't stop us, hare counting we came out for and hare counting we were going to do. A full day spent counting the elusive mountain hare, total count one! Wet very cold but happy we had a brilliant day despite only finding one hare. Some of our best memories have been on winter walks on the Moors.

Sleeping Babies

2008-03-26T16:03:00.001Z

Jane came today with our two grandchildren Finlay just two and Amber ten weeks.
It really hurts that I can't play properly with Finlay he came to show me his cars and gives me hugs and kisses which is wonderful. But I am feeling selfish I want to get on the floor and play cars, I'd like to take him out to the pond and look for frogs sometimes as well as Andy. Go for a walk to see the horses, dig in the garden with him and look for bugs, just do something besides looking at what he's got to show me, Its just not enough!
I know I'm very slowly getting stronger, and perhaps in a few weeks will be able to do more, but today I'm feeling sorry for my self. I shouldn't it was great seeing them all, especially holding Amber. Amber such a happy little thing, she laughs just like her brother, so big it looks like their faces could slit in half, totally wonderful.
Shes at the stage where she looks at you when you talk to her, laughs and makes the most adorable baby coos and babble noises, I bet she tells a wonderful story if only we knew of what.
I held amber until she fell asleep. What joy there is in a sleeping baby, just watching their little faces so at peace, so trusting. I could cuddle her for hours and just watch her sleep. I love them so much I think sometimes my heart might bust.
It was the same when Vivyan, Jane and Ruth were little they looked just like angels while asleep anyway. How time flies!

29 frogs!

2008-03-25T10:31:00.000Z

Pond News Andy cleaned out the pond yesterday. The weather forecast was good cool but sunny. Wrapped up warm I took up position, sat in my directors chair or interfering chair some might say. bucket after bucket of water was placed in holding tubs. Carefully separating the wild life into the ready and waiting tubs. As Andy pulled out Colin the Grass Carp what a beauty around 9" long, he put him in the holding tub with some weed to keep him carm and then he seemed to disappear. how can a 9" fish disappear in a tub about one and a half square feet, he must have found his elven cloak!
We have 7 Rudd come Perch all around 5" long, 1 very fat gold fish and to many sticklebacks to many to count obviously breeding well. We knew there were a few frogs in the pond may be six at the most so we thought. Wrong as Andy got to the pond bottom hiding from detection in the mud were 29 fogies we couldn't believe it. We also couldn't believe how well every thing was doing in such a small pond only around 150 gallon in size. Before Andy put the water back in the pond we decided we should put the seven Rudd/Perch back from were we originally got them from, it would be best for them. When almost done pond half full(can't fill up with to much tap water it would harm the fish) We put the seven fish back in the pond we would miss looking for them plus they've done well up to now, we will asses them next time. All that needs doing now is to replace some of the old water plants and add more water over the next week or two.

Sunday Roast and my Inner Beast

2008-03-23T18:23:00.000Z

It's snowing big fat fluffy flakes, it might even cover the ground with a decent amount of snow. I love been tucked up in a warm house looking at the snow dancing or in this case a heavy cascade falling to the ground.
I also love the smell of a full Sunday roast with all the trimmings. What a wonderful day I have both.
Because I'm still weak Andy's cooking the roast, this is something we usually share.
Today its roast lamb, I'm laid on the bed and the smells from the kitchen are incredible. My stomach is growling in anticipation, my mouths watering and I'm starting to get impatient, the inner beast is calling "COME ON WHERES MY DINNER"!
Yum Yum it was gorgeous. What a man. The lamb was cooked to perfection, the Yorkshire puds where enormous, roast spuds where just right and topped off with well cooked veg and lamb gravy thick and flavorsome. I have to say it again what a man! I'm feeling a little guilty though laid here on the bed fed and contented, stuffing my face with chocs, while my loves washing the pots. Its not rite, its not rite at all we should get a dish washer!

Lady Beard (Bearded Ladies)

2008-03-20T14:51:00.000Z

My nephew and his two little ones called to day. I decided to make an effort despite my pain and lack of energy. After washing, teeth cleaning and getting dressed I was exhausted. But there's one more thing I had to do the "Lady Beard" I only have a few hairs but good ones if you know what I mean. While ridding my self of the unwanted growth it made me think about my Auntie Glad. She had a few long wayward beard hairs. I loved her and when I was small would go for a hugs and later kiss her good bye as we left, on these occasions I was transfixed on her chin.
Now at fifty two it made me think I don't want to be remembered as Aunt Lynda with the beard!
When I was a child circuses and fares sometimes had a freak shows! Thank who ever we don't any more. In these so called shows they nearly always had a woman with a beard. I not knowing any different thought it amazing that a 'Lady' could grow a full beard. I suppose in the fifties/sixties most women kept face hair a secret (as do some women today), they must have as no woman openly said I have a problem with a five a clock shadow! or else to be seen as a freak themselves. How stupid most middle aged women have facial hair they would be a freak if they didn't. So come on woman don't be ashamed any more just deal with the hair if it bothers you. Don't think you freak growing chin hair most women do. And I've talked to a lot who have the same problem and was relived that it wasn't just them.

A load of old Sticklebacks

2008-03-17T12:57:00.000Z

Just had a call from Ruth shes back in England. She said Prague was expensive but still enjoyed it but probably not go back for an holiday. So happy shes back on old blighty.

Pond news. We have had three more lots of frog spawn, the randy little fogies that's six lots in total! Andy's got the job of cleaning the pond out this week that should be fun! hope we've got enough tubs to collect water and pond life. I'm looking forward to seeing Colin the Carp up close, we have a large fish tank for that. While hes emptying the pond hes got to look out for around 7 Minos we put in the pond four years ago. The Minos around 1/2" long were collected from a local stream, but there were not what they seemed. O no, not at all, there now 5" long and meaty, we are pretty sure they're Rudd, so we need to return them to the stream, be for they eat all the frog spawn. We have umpteen sticklebacks they will be a challenge to catch. Nifty little blighters are sticklebacks, can't wait to observe the fun. Such an exciting life I lead.

Darkness

2008-03-16T17:28:00.000Z

I'm scared and in a lot of pain. Back of my head and neck hurts.
Black thoughts surround me. only light in my darkness is my husband our children and grandchildren.

Hobby Horse

2008-03-14T09:26:00.000Z

I'm not going to harp on any more about my lack of sleep, as you my have guest still having problems. I will report though when I do, In big capital letters, full fanfare and a ticker tape parade.

When out yesterday to the doctors didn't realise how weak I still am. Walked about 15 yards from the car to the surgery and my legs were like jelly. But worth it, the Doctor said " the sensation of wet feet you are getting is probably a trapped nerve from the Arnold Chiari", good at least I know what causing it. Plus I have finally got a date for a pain clinic, that's great news might sort out which pains are coming from Arnold Chiari and which from Fibromyalgia, and hopefully treat it.

Can't wait, our grandchildren Finlay and Amber are coming with middle daughter Jane, happy, happy. I know it takes a lot out of me when I have visitors but it very much worth it. My Mum has bought Finlay a Hobby Horse for Easter because he's quite rightly not allowed much chocolate and and Great Gran doesn't know how to buy small eggs. Any way, Finlay getting his present early, good news for my walking stick hes been riding.

Ruth the youngest has gone to Prague with her friend for four days. I hate it when the girls are out of the country. I should be used to it all three are well traveled.

Cat Flap 1 Space Cadet 0

2008-03-12T02:07:00.000Z

Its around 1:30am not got to sleep yet, I keep trying but I hurt to much, even meditation not helping.
Feeling a little lonely sick of spending my nights alone. After been in the same bed with Andy for so many wonderful years it not right to be separate, I need him next to me.
My eyes are very heavy I think I'll try once more.
4am its no good, don't know what to do with my self I think its hot water bottle time. Yes a little better try again.
5:15am take some more pain killers. Have a game of Mahjong while they kick in.
6:30am I'll wait until 7am and get in with Andy. Still couldn't sleep but being close to my love was very nice.

'Cat flaps' Our two cats Max 12 and Leah 10 are infuriating when it come to common cat sense. They've had a cat flap for years and took to it very quickly. But now has come, we had to change from the open to all kinda cat flap after a young tom started to come in and spay his sent all over. The house stunk!
'OK' we will replace it with one that only opens if the cat has a collar fitted with a special magnet. Andy quickly installed the cat flap with little or no problem fantastic. There was one slight problem, Max the 'space cadet' is probably the most stupid cat on the planet, you can hear the white noise in his head as he looks out into space. Most cats go through a cat flap head first which is good as the cats collar releases the cat flap door. Not Max he taps the cat flap door with his foot and keeps on tapping trying to get the door to open result lots of loud continuous taps until we let him in. Bless him!

My Grass-carp has lost his Elven Cloak

2008-03-11T14:10:00.000Z

A bad start getting to sleep, Ill never ever get a nights sleep again!
That was what I had seen for my self. 'Fanfare plays' Its now 11 am I've slept! happy, happy, joy put out the flags. Only a few interruptions to a long nights sleep, over ten hours, and that means over ten hours without pain relief how good is that! This could be the start of something good.

Pond news. last night after dark, fourteen mail frogs singing in the pond all looking for a girl frog to love. This morning all in hiding, where do they go in the day? do they move to some sleazy frog hotel to get some sleep?
A couple a days ago Andy noticed the grass carp in the pond, I bought it three years ago to get rid of some of the weeds in the pond. I put it in and immediately it disappeared presumed dead. He is at least 8"-9" long and very beefy, not bad to say he was a max 3" when introduced. (I wonder what they taste like, bad girl naughty, naughty).
Could it have had an Elvin 'Carp' Cloak to hide under, so when we approached, it vanished? If he had one he's lost it. As I'm getting quite attached to the carp I think I should name him, Colin sounds good to me. yes Colin the Carp a good name.

From Nightmares to Honeymoons

2008-03-10T15:01:00.000Z

I had little sleep until 4am because of pain and three nightmares. Andy was feeling a bit off colour as well. He came into see if I was ok and knelt on the bed to talk in doing so broke one off the slats, funny enough the bed feels more comfy since.

Pond news. the frogs have started to get it down, and the first lot of spawn is nestled in the weeds. I love frogs their great!

Its a very gray and windy day lots of damage to property and the coast line in the south. It made me think of our honey moon 34 years ago this August.
We were on the Norfolk Broads in a boat during a week long rage of bad weather. there were torrential rain and gale force winds. It was the week Ted Heaths boat sank can't remember the name of the vessel.
We arrived read to embrace the experience, neither of us had been on a boat nether mind steer one! That was fun. We had our groceries ordered on put on the boat for our arrival, good forward planing we thought one problem no matches, we don't smoke why would we need them? We set off into the middle of nowhere.
How do you get the fridge to work the same way you put the kettle on, the shower and the cooker by lighting the gas. One problem no matches o flipping heck! or words to that effect. After a few hours of navigating the broads in hellish weather for hours getting colder and hungry, we finally found a little shop. Great now how do you stop the bloody thing and who's going to jump off to tie it up. It would be me, I jumped skidded and landed on my knees, so far so good. slurped through the mud and rain to the shop around 70 yards up the side of the river to buy matches. Very wet and soggy bought said matches only to get close to the boat Andy looking loveing on, to slip slide and end up face down in very smelly mud and with the preshas matches in my hand. Splash my hand and half of me ended in the water from the swollen river, while swans pecked hard at my hand looking for food. Forgot to mention the shop was closing when I got there. Now smelly, wet and tied there were nothing else to do but have a tantrum I wanted to "go home! I hate it! I'm cold wet and smelly!" After a cold wash, clean cloths and a cuddle I/we saw the funny side, Tucked up in bed with the boat banging against the moorings as the wind and rain did its worst we tried to sleep.
Next day looking out over the broads it look like a battle had been fort. Half sunk boats clothes floating on the water, we'd been lucky. Must say the swans and ducks looked happy though.
34 years on and my feet still feel wet, must talk to the Neurologist about that.

Back in the spare room

2008-03-09T02:30:00.000Z

Its 2:30am just got out of bed where Andy's is sleeping so peacefully, I had laid listening to his gentle breathing and thinking how much I love him.
But now I'm reluctantly back in the spare room tucked up in bed. I have been sleeping in here for the last two months so not to disturb him, no good us both having a bad nights sleep.
My legs are giving me some stick, it like having cow bites and cramps in your muscles. But its my ankles that are bothering me most they feel quite swollen and painful yet don't look it.
Two hours to wait before I can have more pain killers. If I don't get a good night sleep soon I think I'll go crazy!

On a emotional roller coaster

2008-03-08T10:51:00.000Z

Slept better last night had four hours in a row, who know it may be eight tonight!

It's my grandson's Finlay's birthday to day he's two. Don't time fly, Andy is off to see him soon and to play with him and his seven week old sister Amber, while Jane and Andy (Andy is our son-in-law Jane's husband (I will call him Andy A so not to confuse the two) gets Finley's party ready. On the way Andy's picking up a slide for him, he loves them, wish I was well enough to go and see his face when he unwraps it. Oh well there's always next year. Like all grandparents I love them so much I feel I could burst.

Feeling full of mixed emotions this morning. Last night dream is bothering me, a lot. It wasn't a bad dream but it wasn't good ether. It featured Linda my best friend while growing up and until her early death of a heart attack eight years ago, she was only 45. Linda had a wonderful disposition, she always was pleased to see you and had a laugh in her voice all the time you never saw her sad even if she was. She died in hospital laughing of course.

The dream, was set on a wonderful sunny day on top of a hill. I had been running I felt light full of energy and no pain, and covered in a healthy sweat (unusual as I don't sweat just over heat). I stopped to take in the beautiful scenery around me. There close to where I stopped was a giant oak tree in full splendor. Under it sat my friend Linda. She had packed lunch, containing fresh bread, butter, brie, and olives (not at all what she would have packed but it is my dream). We sat there hugging and saying how much we had missed each other and hope to talk again soon.
Then I woke what did she mean! Don't think I should dwell on this for to long.
Did enjoy the feeling of running though.

There's a sparrow hawk in the tree! looking down on something. the wind is blowing hard making the branch its on sway, it head is transfixed on something may be a mouse in Karen's garden? It didn't stay long probably only a few seconds but they look so beautiful in a predatory way if that's possible. I think its time for a drink of coffee, which I now can make without too much effort, I might even make my self some light lunch.

So much for my light lunch, it started out well a two egg mushroom and cheese omelette. Then the mardies came ( a sense of feeling sorry for your self) a bag of crisps looked up at me from the kitchen table, I'll have that I thought, yum but it didn't do the trick. This needed something more substantial something sweet, but what? A trip to the kitchen cupboard, yes there on the goodies shelf lay a chocolate cereal bar, not the healthy type, the I couldn't if I tried put any more calories in type. And do you know what you've guest it, no good ether. It never is food can't make you feel happy its got to come from with in.

I'm off to get my head in to a better place. There's so much to feel good about so I need to give my self a kick up the jack-say and start to look on the bright side of life.

nightmares and wet feet

2008-03-07T02:37:00.000Z

Its 2:30 am I've just woke up from yet another nightmare.
My legs are like jelly I'm clammy all over I think my heart is going to bust through my chest, my chest is slightly tight and hurts. I'm fed up. I really thought to night was definitely the night for sleep glorious uninterrupted sleep.
Since I was rushed into hospital nearly three weeks ago with violent headache and vomiting, I've been having regular nightmares nearly every night some night more than one. Also my feet feel like there wet, covered in warm soapy water. All very strange.

I do have like most people the odd bad dream. But These dreams are so real. I am mostly being chased to be killed or tortured and then killed or chased to be raped thankfully without success.
Tonight I was in hospital and the doctors wanted my body, dead body that is.
Like in all good nightmares the chase was on, lots of ally ways, stairs and high places. I don't like heights especially when dangling from flimsy poles or half staircases, with large needles my pursuers were successfully poking into me to make me drop. Slowly as I lost my grip as the drugs in the needles started to take effect, I tumble from one prop to another. Thankfully I awoke before I hit the bottom. In a bit of a state it took me a few minutes to calm my self down. Looking on the bright side, the good thing is tonight I felt well enough to go down stairs to make my self a warm milky drink.
I will get that peaceful nights sleep may be tomorrow?

My clanger has lost its voice.

2008-03-06T14:46:00.000Z

I thought yesterday that I would sleep well, wrong again. Just before I went to bet my head felt like someone had played a game of cricket with it. But on the bright side feels a lot better now.
As I stumbled out of bed this morning ( I literally did I have balance problems ). I saw one of the cuddly toys had fallen of the top of a book shelf. It was a clanger that makes a clanger type noise, you have to know what a clanger is to understand. Any-ho
I picked it up and of course pressed its tum to listen to its noise which when pressed 'translated' says "o no the bloody doors stuck again" a bit random but it fits some how. I pressed and a whirring of worn out batteries met my ears what sorrow!
What next would the soup dragon soon follow suit? What! life will not be the same without the random pressing of the soup dragon as well.
To get over the shock of voiceless clanger I sat on the bed, then started to smile. how happy my middle daughter Jane was when she brought the toy in for me, knowing how much I used to like the clangers when they where on Tv. Later she added the soup dragon to my collection.
This brought about a memory when my girls (Viv, Jane & Ruth)were quite small, I was quite ill in bed and unable to look after myself. (Andy my wonderful husband had to run the house, go to work and look after me). It was on mothers day with their spending money brought me a cuddly toy to cheer me up, it was a vulture!! Which made me and my husband laugh so much it brought tears to my eyes, especially as the girls didn't realise what the stuffed bird was and how some people may be unamused by it. I on the other hand love it, it still has pride of place on the bed head looking down on me, waiting its turn!

I had my walk up the garden path today and yes two male frogs waiting for the lady frogs to arrive for a little froggy love in.
I wish my garden was bigger I could put a large shed or had some kind of out building. I am felling a little restless (which I supposes is good)about my studio space. If I had room in my garden I would be able to have a studio there in stead of one 7 miles away that's closed, not as I am fit enough to drive there any way. But it would be good to have a studio close to home perhaps in the village? but I think we have looked every where around us, shame.

Its hard for us all when illness tries to hold you back. I am very lucky in one sense. Yes I am in a lot of pain most of the time, and some times when I'm Having a flare up of my illnesses, (I have more than one). I have no energy, balance, double vision and yes the pain which gets very bad. I have a very loving family that if I let them would wrap me up in cotton wool. Andy my teas maid and bottle washer is wonderful, It brings a tear to my eyes thinking how good he's been and how good he is for me. Andy is a very caring person he works at home not only as my carer when I'm ill, but as a successful life coach. This is very helpful when you need help with your life's challengers and helps to make meaningful changes to it. Thank you darling.

I feel a little better today thank you.

2008-03-05T15:58:00.002Z

I feel a little better today. My body pain is less and my headache is ok, but then it should be with all the pain killers I've taken, I may even get a full nights sleep.

Made coffee today and cooked a jacket potato in the microwave! what an exciting life I have. Tomorrow I'm going up the garden path to look in the pond for frogs. yippeeeee.

Been thinking a lot about my art work, not been to my studio for months. Been locked out because the boiler broke down and the council found asbestos in the boiler room who knows when that will be fixed. Can't help worrying about my paintings in a cold damp old Victorian school, will they have damp patches or worse mould on them by the time I get well enough to go to the stdio or the heating is fixed.

A text message keeps popping into my head that my eldest daughter Viv sent while I was in hospital last week. "I've just seen a crow flying by my window with some one's glasses, I wonder what its going to do with them"? good question !

This has made me think about a dream I had last night. I was trying to buy a new invention, a ghost Mobile phone. It would able me to leave it for my dad to use ( I miss him very much, he died 30 years ago). But what if there were such thing would it be a good thing? What about the kind of deceased parent or other that just wanted to tell you what a failure you are. grumble about where your going wrong in life. saying pull your self together and get on with it. what joy not.