Sunday 27 April 2008

Swallows


Sunday afternoon and we have seen our first swallows of the year. Summer must be on its way.

Wormy Nightmares


3;45am I'm fed up and pist off with nightmares. 4-5 nights out of seven are spatted with nightmares and sometimes 3-4 a night, at the moment quite a few are worm related. I hate worms and at one time I had a complete worm phobia. I couldn't;t even say the the word worm, at best they were referred to as them things usually shuddering. It has been known in the past for me to go in to hysterics at the sight of them. When my nephew Ray was little he thought it was hilarious to bring in a worm from the garden for Auntie Lynda. On a couple of occasions I ran up stairs and locked my self in the bathroom, and passed out behind the door in terror. I've had to be piggy backed back from the pub before now, when it rained and the worms were on the path. I can remember not long after I had met Andy we had been to a club, (luckily for Andy not far from where he lived) it had been raining and the ground was covered in worms. The poor man didn't know what he was letting him self in for. He had to carry me up a steep hill to his flat, while I panicked.
Our grand son Finlay loves digging in our garden for wriggly worms! with his grandad, luckily he hasn't yet shared his enthusiasm with me. It has taken me years to be able to say the word worm and to be able to see one with out having dickey fits.
I just remembered, when Vivyan was little, I had walked up the garden and was looking at some flowers when a worm crawled over my foot! I screamed ran in and put my foot under the hot water tap. I burnt my foot under the red hot water as it ran over my foot, trying to get rid of the wormy feeling. I only stopped because it was time to fetch Vivyan from school. I walked sobbing like a fool all the way to school a good mile away. Having got to school all blotchy and still sobbing, the other mums tried to find out what was wrong, the only thing I could get out was tell you tomorrow. They must have though something bad had happened to Andy. Luckily my old neighbor and worm remover Lynn was there collecting her son Ian. She took one luck at me and said "is it them things again", to which I just nodded. She was then able to put the other Mums minds a rest, and nip in the bud Andy's demise.
Hopefully I can nip in the bud this trend of nightmares before my phobia comes back! and go back to my normal night terrors, whats normal about having so many bad dream I don't know, but again Ive nether been all together normal any way!

Friday 25 April 2008

Birthday Hams and a Laptop


It's 2:30am. just woke from my second nightmare, that and the pain down my arm is keeping me awake.
Its my Mums 85th birthday today! I would have normally made her a cake but again this year I can't, the best I can make her is a cup of coffee, I wonder if a candle will float? Janet my Sister has cooked a ham, can you have a birthday ham, and if so will it hold 85 candles?
Janet and Mike, (Mike's my bro-in-law) came down from New Castle yesterday, Mum's going up for a couple of weeks on Sunday.
It was good seeing Janet I wish I could have spend more time with her. We get on well and have a laugh, but I get so tied when I talk for any length of time.
Jane and the children are coming down today, while my Andy and Andy, Jane's husband do a few jobs at Jane's. (Their getting their house ready to put up for sale). Plus Jane wants to see her Gran on her birthday. All these activities around me will take its toll on me, but worth it.
I have spent a some of time over the last two days bulling Andy, getting him to sort out a second hand laptop, and help me to put mahjong and card games on it ready for my Mums birthday. Hope she likes it. Unfortunately I can't work out how to get a mouse to work along side it. Which Mum needs, as she has a shaky hands and can't use a touch pad. We will have to work on it when she comes back from New Castle.

Tuesday 22 April 2008

Last Exams


My 3am post. I'm laid here hot water bottle under my shoulder trying to ease some pain. Thinking of good things.
Yesterday, Monday Vivyan had her last exam thank god. It's been hard on her but she has done incredibly well. She suffers far to badly with migraines, especially when under stress. So needless to say she's had quite a few of late. The doctors have given her some low dose beta blockers to help to control this, I not heard of this before a trip to the web is in order. See ya soon.
I'm back just read about beta blockers and migraines. Apparently they don't know why beta blockers work for migraines but it does. people who suffer with high blood pressure are given beta blockers as we know. people who have blood pressure and migraines are found to have less or no migraines after taking beta blockers. That's brill! I also read that people who have Asama should not take beta blockers. Vivyan has Asama I will mention this next time we talk, I need to no that her doctor has taken this in consideration, I'm sure they have but better to be safe.
Any way she nearly done the masters, roll on the PhD. Dr Viv at your service. Well done my little darling.

Saturday 19 April 2008

Every thing has its purpose

oh flip!!! its 3:30am I'm shattered but the pain in my side and arm keeps wakening me up! That and I'm missing my dad. He give me a hug and say, "never mind everything will be alright soon, and every thing has it purpose".
I love his hug right now, even his for every thing no matter what reassurances.
I would have to ask though how soon and what possibly can be the purpose? Never mind I get a warm feeling just thinking about him, and may be he his with me right now, I hope so.

Wednesday 16 April 2008

Will Andy need L plates?


One of those middle of the night posts.
I when to the pain clinic today. Pain clinic it sounds like some where you go to get pain, not pain relief!
Any way I will not see an immediate change in pain levels. The way I read it is they can't cure this kind of pain, I have to learn ways of reducing its level, by at first total relaxation. We talked about different methods to relax, and was given deep breathing exercises to do three times a day. This will help me and my body to totally relax and in doing this help to readjust the way my body's pain receptors work. All very complicated.
I confronted a big step in my physical self today. After walking from the car park to the clinic, I was tired. Then after talking which I find just as tiring if not more so when I have to concentrate, I was totally bushed (had it, kaput)and later in a lot of pain). Andy had to borrow a wheel chair to get me back to the car! This made me realise that I need to use a chair at the moment if I want to go any where. I felt very self conscious sat in the chair, it felt like people might think, she looks healthy enough to walk the lazy cow!
This brought me to think, because you can't see the physical health problems I have, and because Ive always tried to hide/put on a show to cover the pain and fatigue, only a few people realize what I'm going through. Dose it really matter what people think, when I'm sat in a wheel chair. So off with the old and on with the new confident this is who I am at this time! And let people think what they want, the only people that really matter I think already understand and if they don't that's their problem. I do feel sorry for Andy though he's the one pushing! do you think he needs L plates?

Hand Rails, Wheel Chairs and Stair Lifts?


Corrine a occupational therapist from the social services came to see me today. She came to see if I need any equipment or any other help. I have had as few problems coming to terms with my health and especially my lack of stamina.
She measured the steps out side our back door ready to fit a hand rail. which will be useful especially in winter as they can get very slippy. We also talked about a wheel chair for when I go out. This was very difficult, I know it makes sense it just, well doesn't feel right. In my head I'm able to walk, in reality I can't walk far, consequently it means that we don't go out any where. So a wheel chair is on its way. It will be very trying using it at first, and I will only use it when I have no other option, and I've got to face it at the moment I have no other option. The last thing Corrine suggested was a stair lift for the times that I am feeling very weak or having balance problems. She's probably right, but I need more time to think about it, its all a bit much at the moment.

Tuesday 15 April 2008

Old LPs for Sale


I'm laid on the bed listing our old LPs for sale. You don't realise how attach you get to inanimate objects. It like listing old memories, all most like looking into the past through a window. Each LP holds a hazy image. Some like the Zeppelin, Uriah Heep, Bowie and many other albums, you can feel the energy of that era in your life. I feel a bit sad that we are parting with them, but they must go, we just haven't the room, or some thing to play them on. At least we have most on CD now and being realistic I don't think about them much only when going through them like this. We must have been careful because most of the vinyls are like new and covers are at worst are good not bad to say the majority are 30 years old or more. Any way back to it still have nearly a ton to do.

Sunday 13 April 2008

What can one do!


What can one do! Its a quarter to six, woke up in pain at one thirty. Can hardly keep my eyes open, but my muscle will not let me sleep! May be after the next lot the pain killers will do the job. Only one and a half hours left to wait before I can have some more. Roll on Wednesday when I go to the pain clinic.

Saturday 12 April 2008

Finlay pot washer extraordinaire


I couldn't resist putting this photo of my grandson up. When I came across it in the photo album on my computer, it reminded me of before I got ill this time. Finlay around 20-22 months loved to help with the pots, something he still likes to do but doesn't get the chance. First thing he said when seeing the dishes was "bib on". He would take you to where the aprons are hung, and want his apron on and I would have to put mine on too. I'm not sure which place had the most water, the sink bowl or the floor? but the dishes he washed were washed well with lots of rubbing with the wash sponge and rinsed in the water time upon time. When he had finished he always wanted to start again and was not very happy when we said no.

Mesolithic Man and Me


I have a love of archaeology especially stone age Britain. the most interesting part of the stone age is for me the Mesolithic (middle stone age, around 6,-10,000 years ago). While looking at a TV program on early bronze age, Andy said "isn't this one your favorite time periods?" "Well yes ish I prefer the Mesolithic times I think" He when on to ask why then whats the different about that time to the rest of the stone age?
With out writing an essay on middle stone age, its hard to put in a nut shell what fascinates me. We know in Paleolithic man (early stone age man) used stone axes, and Neolithic man used polished stones. The Mesolithic man used stone tools and flint blades, some used arrow heads of flint. A mixture of flint and bone where all used for hunting. This age we might think of as a time of human savagery and hunger. But I don't think it was any more savage than what was to come, The Dark and middle ages must have been one of the most barbaric times in British history. Any way back to the middle stone age.
The knowledge of the country's food calendar and what was good to eat is know lost. Some evidence shows we ate lots of thing that know would not even enter our minds to eat. Yes we think of some foods that were eaten then like nuts and berries, deer, and wild pig. What about otter, guillemot, beaver Aurochs(a large wild bull like animal with horns the size of elephants tusks!)plus roots and acorns! all these have been found on Mesolithic sites around Britain. I live very close to one of these sites, only 4-5 miles away, Cresswell Crags. An age was named after this site, 'the Creswellian age' used by the last of the nomadic people after the last ice-age.
Also at cresswell it has been found that people have been using the caves there for over 50,000 years. In 2003 cave painting were uncovered when a group of potholers were mapping the uncharted caves. These paintings are the first example of Paleolithic cave art in Britain.
Go back to Mesolithic Man I think were quite complex and held a vast amount of knowledge of not only what was good to eat but where and when to find it. The tools used were also very complex, flints were used very much like a modern tool kit to day. Flints were napped to make razor sharp knives, spears and could be used to bore holes in wood, and many more uses. Totally fascinating era which we know so little of and I know next to nothing. I think if I could have my time over again and could change one thing besides my health, I would have studied Archaeology and looked into this time frame in British history. I wouldn't let a little thing as dyslexia worry me. I'm sure I would have still made art as well, it would be interesting to think how more knowledge of stone age Britain may have influenced my work.

Friday 11 April 2008

Doughnuts yum! yum!


I love and it has to be said crave doughnuts. Not the fancy type with cream and nuts or fruit or the jammy and custard ones, no the straight forward ring doughnut with a light sprinkling of sugar. Last night I couldn't sleep through muscle pain and head ache. Nothing unusual there, but all night I was craving doughnuts! Warm sweet slightly crunchy on the out side with light sweet bread middle. I could imagine the smell as they cooked. I can almost taste their yummyness(That may be a new word). There's nothing for it Andy my love will have to purchase me some tomorrow before I start hallucinating. I used to make doughnuts when the girls were young, them and lots of other goodies like cake and scones.
Doughnuts have been on my mind for a week or so now and I know it will not go away until I have had my fill. Last night if I had the energy I would have made a batch and probably eaten the lot so bad was my craving. It's hard to get a decent tasting doughnut around where we live, Sainsbury's are the closest yet still not right. The best shop made ones it has to be said reluctantly are from a little ice-cream come doughnut stall in Mapplethorpe a sea side town on the Lincolnshire coast.
May be I could incorporate it into my art? Yes I can imagine a performance piece, Me a doughnut machine plenty of doughnut mixture a fryer and sugar for dredging the doughnuts. At the end of the performance I will sit in a arm chair watching a old black and white film eating the doughnuts with a cup of coffee. Any art lover want to sponsor me I will oblige just need an assistant to do the work! I'll eat the doughnuts.

Wednesday 9 April 2008

Peed Off !

I'm really peed off, I don't know how much more I can take.
Yesterday was a particular bad pain day. I had a seriously crushing head ache front and back that made me feel nauseous, my muscles never stopped spasming with twisting and pulsing with pain, my joints were also giving it some. And to top it all a trip to the loo set of my sciatica down both legs. Today I just feel like Ive been run over with a bus, so all in all felling a lot better!

Sunday 6 April 2008

Big Day Out


I've been out to day for the first time in six weeks, not counting a visit to the doctors. We/I need some veg seed for our square foot garden. (Andy made me two raised beds last year so I can grow veg, and has promised to make one more bed this year).
It felt a little strange getting ready for a trip out to the garden centre. We chose one not to far from home, because we didn't want me to get to tired on my first trip out, plus the seeds are just inside the door. We pulled up near the entrance to the garden centre it was not far to walk, but for me I could really feel it. I got most of the seed I needed but couldn't believe they don't sell sugar snap peas whats the world coming to! Made it back to the car my legs felt like jelly. The walk from the car to the front door of our house seemed a long way, my muscles in my legs were not happy. We were out for under an hour most of that traveling, I feel like I've had a full day out. I am shattered.
Ruth came and we have had a nice quite night, watched a film and ate to many chocs and ice-cream.
Hope Andy's enjoying his night out he's gone to see Wishbone Ash a seventies rock band. Seems very strange him staying out for the night at a friends house.
I'm laid in bed trying in vain to get to sleep. The pain in my muscles and joints have other ideas. I think their protesting to me going out. It funny when we were driving home from buying the seeds, I said to Andy I didn't realise how ill I must have been. It occurred to me that even though I am an out side kind of person I nether thought of going any where! My energy is so low that I just didn't think of it. Every thing I do I have to plan from making coffee to having a bath, and I can't bathe without Andy being close to hand. At least I now can wash my own hair and get out of the bath by myself most of the time using my stick for balance. such progress!

Saturday 5 April 2008

Viv, Ruthie and Mr Heron


I been thinking a lot about ViV our eldest and Ruth the youngest daughter over the last couple of weeks.
Viv lives in Edinburgh with her fiance John. I'm missing her a lot, she rings and we email a lot but a cuddly whats needed. She is nearing the end of an environmental MA, and specialising in lichens. This is so Viv, when she was ten she gave a talk in assembly to her school on mycology (toadstools and mushrooms to most). In her mid teens rivers flow and how it effects the land scape was her thing. We couldn't go for a walk near a river without been told how it had formed that way. She totally immerses her self in her study, it worries me that shes going to burn her self out.
Having said that when the pressures off she knows how to party. Really can't wait to see her and John in May when they come home for a few days.
Ruthie we see every week and rings most days she tends to worry a lot about me. Andy's of to a gig on Sunday and staying over night at a friends. Ruth has decided that she wants to come and stay, have a girls night in. In other words she's coming to mother sit! just in case I'm ill again. Cotton wool and wrapping come to mind. I don't care it will be great to have her to my self for the night shes such a wonderfully bubbly person unless tired then very snappy person but still lovely with it. I have a feeling face pack a bottle of wine, chocs or ice-cream and a film may be the order of the night, shame I can't drink the wine because of the tablets I'm on, then again could have an interesting effect! probably sleep well? better not might sleep to well if you know what I mean. I wish Ruth could find a fulfilling job. She studied hard and has worked in her specialist field (film producer) as a producers assistant and made short films. Her Last job took her to a Edinburgh film company, who promised her a active roll. What she got was a generally a desk job not as advertised at all, she was better off in London. She left and came back to Sheffield. This is brill but media work is almost none existence in Sheffield. She has work which pays the bills but not at all what she's looking for. Ruth needs stretching, work that involves good organisation something that's shes very good at.
Pond News We have a beautiful, beautiful Heron that's visiting our pond, in fact he's been twice today. It looks so graceful and surprisingly big, it a shame it eaten my goldfish! and probably other fish as well. What a naughty birdie. I was worried about how many tad poles the goldfish would eat nether thought about it getting eaten. The dilemma is now shall I get another goldfish? I think may be I will the tad-poles will have to take cover. Talking about cover I've put some old plant pots in the bottom of the pond for the fish to hide under until the pond weeds grow back, talk about closing the barn door after the horses fled!

Friday 4 April 2008

Happy Birthday


Its Andy's 54th birthday, and for the next one month, one week and one day I will be reminding him I'm two years younger than him. I really enjoy teasing him about it, and over the next thirty eight days I be doing just that. I don't think it really bothers him but he plays along any way, it pleases me no end.
Jane and the grandchildren came to day bearing gifts. Finlay has been practicing singing happy birthday, in a way only a two year old can, and of course helped his Grandad to blow out the candles on his cake. Andy did well with the cards this year, he usually gets quite a few. This year most of the cards where hand made by the sender which is fantastic.
I can't believe Andy is fifty-four and I'm fifty three this year. We met when I was seventeen and Andy eighteen. His opening lines were unusual but obviously worked "I have two Led Zeppelin tickets". What he neglected to tell me was that only one was his! very sleigh indeed. If I knew then what I know now I would do exactly the the same, its been good.

Thursday 3 April 2008

I'm just going down the street love.


I'm just going down the street love, I'll not be long.
Andy's just gone out to see if the car has past its MOT. Its had to have the clutch replaced as well, who knows how much that will be. That's a daft thing to say the garage will know exactly how much, and so will Andy very soon.
I'm just going down the street, nothing wrong in that. But the idea of just going down the street for me to do is like saying I'm just off to climb Mount Everest love I'll not be long. I sound full of self pity, its not its just frustration!
I'm not taking the last episode of my illness very well at the moment I have a lot of readjusting to do. The who am I question keeps whirling around in my head. How much more as Andy got to put up with, I feel a bit like a cook-co chick all take and no give. I know he doesn't think that way. I will start helping around the house more as soon as I can and pick up my life again. Whats in the back of my mind is the thought of but for how long? I need to take a realistic look at my self. Yes I will probably be knocked back to square one again it a part of my condition. Do I have to sit back and say well that's it, not bloody likely. Life is for living and I going to do it! It may take a while to get some energy and my pain under control but I will.
Andy's just come in, he has no idea how much the car will be, it was just having the engine put back in!